Ep 200: Healing your half – without overriding your needs

Episode 200! The perfect moment to unpack a question I get a lot: “How do I do the inner work without ignoring what I need from other people?”

One part of you points outward and insists the other person must change for you to feel safe. Another part points inward and says you should heal harder, need less, and stop making it anyone else’s problem. I share why both protectors make sense, how to stop “siding” with them, and how to become the grown-up in the room who can hear them both without overriding your body.

When that happens, some needs naturally fall away because they belonged to a younger you, and the needs that remain become easier to express as clean requests without the hidden “or else” energy.

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Transcript

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Episode 200 Gratitude And Community

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Ay, ay, ay, you are listening to episode two hundred of the Uncover You podcast. And to celebrate, I have a little surprise for you later in this episode. But just sitting here in my pink podcast chair and feeling very grateful and very excited about all the things that we've created in this community over the years and all the things that are happening right now. We're planning a two-day in-person conference in Stockholm this fall. We are doing two Mexico Teotihuacan power journeys in the next year. We're creating a three-level coaching training that is also a deep mystery school. So many exciting things. And we have so many of you stepping into alchemy and then continuing into the Embodied Relationship Academy. And it's such a deep honor to for me to be able to guide this work. I mean, it's the best job in the world, and I'm having so much fun creating these training, guiding people through them, guiding all of you through them, the questions you're bringing to it, and the commitment and the longings and desire and the desires to become embodied and embodying something else, then a fear-based dream, then protection mechanisms. Like, yeah, I want to be something else in this world, then what was conditioned into me, what I unconsciously created. And that to be here doing that work, I mean, me 15 years ago, I would never would have guessed that that's what I would be sitting doing. So yeah, celebrating 200 episodes in the podcast is um definitely a reason or a good opportunity to just look back and feel the gratitude for all of that and for all of you who are here, all of you who are listening. And like I mentioned, we have a little surprise for you inside this episode. And also if you want to celebrate together with me, with us, it's so helpful if you write a review wherever, whatever podcast platform that you're on, just get in there and um write a little comment about how these episodes are helpful for you, what you're getting out of them. And that means other people can find this as well. So, what do I have in mind for us today on the 200th episode? Well, something that we're gonna like unravel this mystery. The mystery of how do I work on myself? How do I take responsibility for my half and go

The Self-Work Versus Needs Dilemma

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in and sit with the parts of me without overriding my own needs, without avoiding telling others what I want and need. Because this is something we often feel stuck in or torn between. And I received a question from a client earlier this week that had this exact question: a sense of, well, I'm noticing as I'm going in and meeting with my parts. Um, if something happens, I get reactive, there's a conflict, or it's just me reacting to them, pulling away, or I feel rejected, abandoned something. And I go in, I do the work, I use the pillars from alchemy, and I go in and sit with these parts, and I meet their needs, and I'm there with them. But then she said she noticed a part that's like, I'm pissed about that we don't get to express to the other person that, hey, that hurt, or I want to be treated this way, and this is what I need, and I need better communication. So this is then where we tend to go into something that our mind has been so conditioned to do, which is the either or. It's either lashing out on someone or telling them to save us or how they need to treat us, right? Or it's taking care of my own parts. But what I want to talk about today is that it's both, but, and. As you've probably noticed, it means everything where that request, where that expression of your need comes from. If that is about putting your little wounded child that was wounded long before this connection into the lap of the other person and saying, Hey, you need to solve this for me. Like you need to treat me this way, their little animal body will pick up on it. And it's very likely that they will respond in a similar way that it feels like the rest of the world has always responded to that, right? By kind of pulling away or uh feeling attacked or getting defensive because they are sitting with their whole inner world too. They're sitting with their wounds and needs and not knowing how to express them. And here you are, like poking into something that is painful or tender for them, right? So let's move through the layers here. Let's pick this apart. The reason I'm saying to go in and meet with everything that's inside of you is that that's what's being projected out. It sounds like I need you to care more deeply for me, but that's a part of you speaking to you, trying to get your attention. So that is the first step. We need to become aware that this isn't just me in this moment. This is all the iterations of me all the way back to an original experience that is sitting there feeling unmet. And an emotional experience that's like undigested around this. So going in and meeting with these parts is the deep medicine. But that doesn't mean, right, that we can't then speak up about our needs. The beautiful thing that happens though is that when you start turning towards what's inside of you, it will be much clearer for you what your need actually is. And we will come back to that. But first, let's look at the protectors here, okay? So, like I mentioned, it's not either or, it's both. And I mean that in more than one sense. Because I mean that because both is alive inside of you. You have a protector part that is kind of pointing to the other person and saying they should be showing up this way. How could they be so mean to not meet me this way? Why are they not responding? Why are they pulling away? Like, what's happening? And that protector part is pointing outward. It's like it, this is the problem. They need to do something different. But then most likely you also have another protector part inside of you, especially if you're feeling this conflict, right? For some of us, you might just experience one or the other. But if you're someone who feels this conflict, how do I work on myself, but without overriding my needs, right? And how I can communicate that with others, then that means that you're having an inner conflict going on inside of you between two protector parts. So one part pointing at the other person, saying this is the problem, and then another part, protector part, that is pointing to you and saying, Hey, you're the problem, or this pattern is the problem, this wound is the problem. You need to work on yourself, you need to heal this, and like both of these are right and wrong. They're not wrong, but they are coming

Two Protector Parts Pulling You

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from lies, right? And they're coming from fear and protection. So they have they are very right in the sense of their experience is a very valid experience. What they're feeling makes sense. But that doesn't mean that the one pointing to the other, like it's not aware of anything else, is not aware of that you could go in and meet this within yourself. It's not aware that just putting the power in someone else's hand to make you feel safe, to make you feel okay, is not the solution. But it doesn't know that. This is the only strategy it's learned to do. Like, hey, something needs to change in the other person so that I can feel better, so that the wounded part underneath can be taken out of his misery, can finally feel safe. So it's pointing over there. And whenever, and this is the important piece, whenever you side with either of them, the I the other one will scream louder. You're like, why wait, what? But how do I get out of this? As any conflict resolution, both sides need to be heard and understood. And that doesn't mean, because that's a very different thing, right? Siding with someone versus being the grown-up in the room that can hear all the sides of a story and understand them and kind of alchemize and integrate that very different, right? So you're probably used to relating to them as like, I need to make a decision, I need to go with this or that. And it can feel different on different days. Today it really feels like I'm so angry with that other person, and how could they? I really need to speak my boundaries. And the next day is like, oh my God, I'm so overacting. This is all me. This just means that your attention has switched between, like from one of the protector parts into the other. And this is how your psyche is working when there's fragmentations, when there are separate forces pulling in different directions, in opposite directions. This is very normal. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken, your psyche is not under functioning. It's just what we have to deal with as humans. So, are you willing and ready to be here in that experience? And, you know, do what you can with that. So whenever you side with one of them and you're like, Yeah, we really need to speak up about this, it means that one part has not been acknowledged, one part hasn't been understood, and that's when you're gonna keep swinging back and forth between them. So this is what usually happens when we're like, and when I invite uh our members into like, let's do the deep inner work here, let's go in and heal our own wounds, heal our half, and learn how to go in. And then a part is like, but what about the other person? And what about us expressing our needs? They are actually valid, and should I just ignore that? Should I just go in and do the work by myself on my own, take all the responsibility? And when we're not yet aware that, oh my God, that's another part that I need to meet with. It's like that's not outside of this work, it's included in this work to like include this part as well. It's not in opposition to this work. It just shows up as another layer to like, hey, care for me. What about me? I need some attention. So it's that remembering again and again that you know, that we need, we need a reminder again and again in this work. And we're gonna remember again and again, and we're gonna forget again and again that, oh, what's in the way is the way. What seems like, okay, now there's opposing belief here, there's a there's a conflict, that this this doesn't feel good anymore, is because you've become identified with a part that's like, yes, let's go in and do the work, but it's in opposition with this other part that's like, no, we need to speak our truth. We need to express our needs here. And you need to shift your attention out from both of them, not by ignoring them, but like, huh, becoming the witness, the observer of both of them, someone that can connect to both of them. Instead of being one of the siblings, one of the kids in the family, you're like, huh, I'm shifting out, I'm becoming the grown-up in this situation. I can be here with all of this. Hey, tell me more, what's going on? So both of these protectors make a lot of sense, right? If you really connect with them, if you listen to them, why they're doing what they're doing, it's like, yeah, this makes a lot of sense. And if you really want to shift this, that like alchemical process of integrating them, it needs to happen in all the layers. It's not just, hmm, I'm thinking differently about this now. No, it needs to happen in your nervous system, it needs to happen in your emotional body. So this is often when we go into overriding, right? We're like, hey, I know that it's both. I know that I can, that you're just parts. I know a bunch of things about this uh this work. I understand it, but that doesn't mean it has landed in your nervous system. That doesn't mean it has, you know, been an unraveling uh processing in your emotional body. And this is also often how we come to side with one aspect of ourselves. We're like, I want to side with this grown-up spiritual self that knows everything about this work, and with that, we disregard a young, immature part in ourselves. We're like, yeah, but that's still here. I understand that I need to go in and meet with these parts inside of

Integration Through Body And Mind

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myself. And I still have a part that's like really upset about that, or feel like, no, it's about them. We need to express our needs to them. So can you see? And what I'm trying to point to here is that it's so easy to side with one or the other through our thinking mind, through our beliefs, and then with our thinking mind overriding anything else that's going on in our little animal body. And acknowledging doesn't mean that we put that part behind the wheel or get into the car with it and believe everything it's saying that is true. It's like, no, we sit down with it and we understand it and we listen to it in our bodies. You know, oh my God, there's a really fearful signal here when someone pulls away. My whole nervous system goes into freeze or panic. Okay, that's there. That can't be overridden by you knowing that it's safe. It can't be overridden by you telling yourself that, hey, I need to go in and do this work myself. If you have another part that's like, but we really need to express to them. So that integration into wholeness that I talked about, where we start to kind of dissolve these fragmentations or these opposing forces pulling in different directions inside of us. And when we start to integrate that, when they start to become like connected to the self, now there's a lot more clarity. But but that work needs to happen on all layers. Hey, mind, the stories you're telling yourself, how you relate to that thought, that part of you thinking that thought when it comes up. It needs to happen in your emotional body so that that emotion that they are carrying or an underlying wound is sitting with that these protectors are trying to protect from, right? Like that needs to be processed in your emotional body. And it needs to be processed in your nervous system. Like all these three layers, so important for so that we can start feeling safe, so that we have a processed wound now. And we're like, yeah, I can digest that kind of experience. It's not sitting like covered in fear and overwhelm. And no, no, no, no, this can never happen again. It's like, no, yes, it's safe to digest this, it's safe for this experience to move through my body, and I can be on the other side of it, not frozen inside of it, reliving it again and again and again. Like that's what we want to do. And that is why I'm teaching embodied self-mastery, right? There's a long tradition of self-mastery, which after a while for me of doing it, I could see so many of the teachings being overriding in the sense of, oh, if I just discipline myself and control my feelings. And it's in a sense, um, it's one half of the story. It's one aspect, one half of the aspect of our being, which is kind of like starving anything that we don't want happening inside of us. We're starving it from our attention instead of going in it and feeding it with our, yeah, with our attention, with our faith, putting our faith in it. But that's just like one aspect of this work. And it disregards the whole truth that much more in our feminine, in all of our feminines, there's a power to alchemize. Like the emotion itself is the carrier of consciousness, like being in this human experience is the big alchemical cauldron for the consciousness. So when we say it's only about starving, controlling, disciplining, like I shouldn't put my attention on any of that, then we disregard half of us, no matter gender, right? But it's like this more feminine force inside of us wants to have the full experience, and that is what actually alchemizes it. And that is the work I much more teach because I see it more effective. I see it being more effective because there's so many traps, and I think we've seen that a lot historically in spiritual teachings, in um cults or with gurus, where it's becomes one person who's sitting on all the answers, and it becomes a gaslighting of anything that's going on in our human experience. And I think that's what we're cleaning up now. The one, the ones of us who are willing to, like, mm-hmm okay, that's how we did things, that had a consequence. Whew, let's move into a new chapter where we're actually taking responsibility and just meeting everything that it means to be a human. Unshamed these experiences that were made as and are wrong. And I think that has a very deep old root of like religion and religious beliefs and the sense of duality, of heaven and hell, and sin, and being a good human. And that has made us believe that we somehow are faulty. And the separation between God and our humanness, too, that we need to become something else. Than human to be okay. So, yes, a deep-rooted, or yeah, it just goes way back that we're looking at ourselves as faulty somehow and shaming some of our experiences. So, again, if you're sitting with that, which you probably do, like why does this keep showing up? Why can't I heal this? Why can't I make relationships work? It gives this idea that I'm failing at life. And we need to stop that shit, okay? And I say that with all the love because it's such a uh it's such a lie, it's such a detour on just being here for

Self-Mastery Without Shame Or Override

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this human experience. When you add this layer of shame around what you're experiencing, what if you instead started to cultivate the belief that, hey, I'm I'm already forgiven, I'm so innocent, we're all so innocent for being here trying to figure out what this experience really is, being on a path of loving more. Like, what what better thing could we spend our lives doing? Instead of believing this sense of like, hey, I'm failing, I need to prove myself somehow. Everyone else is succeeding at life and I'm failing at it. Failing at relationships, I have this disorganized attachment, I have an insecure attachment, I have this trauma. I'm so I have my walls up, I can't be vulnerable. I can be look, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of that beautiful, beautiful, humbling human experience to have. Hey, let's see if we can bring more love into all of that. Let's see if we can alchemize it, but not by shaming it. So this is why I do embodied self-mastery for me. That brings that together into wholeness. Yes, it's the mind, but it's also the nervous system, it's also the emotions. So much is the emotion. Like I said, it's the carrier of consciousness. When something is sitting undigested inside of you, it can't bring your consciousness to the other side of that experience. The learning, the transformation that happened because of that experience. No, it's just sitting there, frozen in time, and you're reliving that experience instead of coming out on the other side of it. That's what we want to happen. And the beautiful piece, if we're kind of circling back here to the beginning, I went on the tangent, but I think it's a really good tangent. Um, because it brings the bigger picture of what we're doing when we want to integrate these conflicting parts of ourselves, right? But what will happen when you do this work, when you start relating to yourself this way, and when you start to process things through your mind, your nervous system, your emotions. Well, what happens with these needs that you thought you had? Like, does something change in the situation itself? And I would say, yes, a lot changes, and that's why you will never lose from doing your half. Your mind might think, like, that means I'm just taking all the responsibility and sitting in my own little um cave, and everyone else keeps doing their painful behaviors towards me. Like, no, everything changes because something changes inside. Okay. Some needs that you thought you had that felt so important, they need to speak to me this way or they need to show up this way, will actually go away. They will fall away because that was something that you needed as a four-year-old, as a seven-year-old, as a seventeen-year-old. And when you go in and you process that unhealed experience and you're sitting with it and being with it and meeting that need inside of you, it's like, huh, that was me five years, five years old needing that. Me as 35, 55. No, I actually want something else. It's actually quite nice that they're giving me all of this space because I can see now that they're trusting that I'm a grown-up person. Wow. And that it actually doesn't mean that they don't like me. And that relationship is both in breath and out breath. And I actually, I actually prefer someone who gives a little more space than needing me all the time. That's just one example, right? And it doesn't have to, you know, turn into that for you. But just as an example of like the whole world can kind of shift where you thought something was so important and how they needed to show up, and now it's like, huh, that was just because I had a wound and because I had an unmet, and now I'm actually fine in those situations. I actually don't need that thing delivered in that specific way anymore. And the other piece that might be happening is that you'll be able to make an ask. You'll be able to show others how to love you without this overhanging doom that some kind of catastrophe would happen if you wouldn't get it. So I want you to dream into this for a moment. Dream into all the times you've you kind of you've tried to ask for what you want or show up to someone, a friend, a lover, a partner, family member, and you're like, hey, um, can we talk about this? And um, I really need you to do X, Y, and Z in these situations and stuff. And it's all about where it's coming from. Just dream into kind of if there's been an underlying ticking bomb in there, energetically in you, where you're like, you know, you maybe you've been sitting with this for months, for years, like this has been so painful, and now finally you're gonna speak up about it. Just imagine the tension, the buildup it's coming with. Or if underlying, there's a sense of like, if you don't do this, I'm gonna collapse. I'm gonna just be pulled into this big darkness of pain, you know. Like, if you don't do this the right way, I don't know what to do with myself. I get spiraled into so much hurt, or I get so angry because I go into protection mechanism. Can you see that that ask now is conditioned? Unless you do this, something bad will happen. I will feel bad. You will hurt me. This is when you start healing your half of this, you'll be able to make that ask without the condition attached to it, without or else. And even if

Clean Requests And Team Communication

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you're not saying it that way, and even if you're like doing it with so much love and compassion and understanding, if that energy is there, and it might come out in little hidden ways, so like, maybe you've been practicing secure attachment protocols or something, and you're like, and yeah, and if you can't give that to me, then I don't know if this is right for me. But even how neutral you're trying to say it, if it's in your energy body, like their little animal can pick up on that, that can sniff that out. And that's a good thing. That doesn't mean that you should be trying harder or trying new protocols or mask this up and say it with a different tone of voice. No, it just means that, hey, let me go in and sit with this. And it's also completely fine to ask from that, to be open with it and say, hey, there's a wound here, there's some pain here. That's my half. I know that this might be coming out as um something that I must have, or else I'll be hurting so much. That's not your responsibility. That's me. So again, you don't have to get perfect for you to be able to communicate with others. You don't have to be healed for you to be able to communicate with others. You just say what's here. Hey, this is my half, and I'm so willing to take responsibility for that. But I also really would love if we could talk about ways that are interactions when we're gonna go out for a date or when we're collaborating around planning a trip or the way we're initiating to spend time together, like how that's going. And I know I'm not perfect at it at all, but I would love to be a team and figure things out together. Like, what do you say? See? So you can talk about this, you can ask about things without being perfect, without doing it perfectly. I tell my program members all the time, go make a mess and learn from it. Like, go make a mess, but be willing to like, hey, what was that? And sometimes we're practicing something like that. Oh my God, something has been so shadowed in me. I haven't been allowed to just audaciously say everything I'm thinking, and that's what I'm doing right now. It's my dojo. But I'm not expecting others to like it. I'm not expecting to be appreciated for it. I'm just doing it for me because it's really important to integrate. But then in the relationships that we really do care about, that we want to care for the connection and relationship, then yeah, we need to understand both sides, right? And we need to be on the team for the relationship. Hey, this is a really like this is a friction piece for me. I understand that you might be seeing it completely different, and I'm so willing to own my half and my wound in this. And can we work together on a solution? Like, what do you say? So often we think we need to get to the end point. We think we need to know the solution in the relationship. I need to, you know, decide first if I want to stay with them or not, and then I'm ready to like talk about it or give them my decision instead of letting people into our process. Instead of like, hey, I've been sitting with something lately, you know, this is what I'm going on. And then there are some of us that are like completely oversharing in that sense of, hey, I need you to witness me in every little step I'm moving through, which is a big ask, you know. Everyone has their own inner world and they're processing things, and to ask them to constantly be a witness of everything that's going on inside of every corner of you. Huh. Yeah, that sounds more like a child that needs to be seen by a parent than a grown-up relationship. So this is how that situation that right now feels like stuck in inner conflict can change. So while it's now like, is it me, is it them? Should I go work on myself? But then what about the needs that I need to express to them? And a part of you that's being upset about that, and like, why do I never get to express these things? And we can't just work on it ourselves, and to understanding that, okay, these are all parts inside of me. I can't side with one or the other, or I probably will for a while, but I won't get so far. So then I'll remember and then I start learning to integrate both of them and to understand both of them. And when I move through the layers of this pattern and learn to integrate it and heal it, okay, then this is how the situation actually will change. It will feel different, it won't feel as charged. Your needs that you thought was so important might have changed, and you'll be able to communicate it without the sense of condition. You need to fill this need for me, or you know, something bad's gonna happen. A bomb is gonna explode. So I hope this was helpful to see how you can beautifully and with so much love do your half of the work without needing to override a part that's like, what about my needs? How to express them. No, it's not either or it is both and all of it. All of those expressions are allowed inside of you. None when you're doing this work with me,

Key Takeaways And Farewell

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none of these parts are being put on the outside, none of these parts are being excluded. No, love doesn't exclude, it includes, and that's the beautiful piece because the more you do this work, your capacity for love will just grow and grow and expand to include more and more of you. So, with that, wrapping up our 200th episode in the Uncover You podcast, with at least 200 more to come. Can't wait to be on this journey with you. You know where to find me if you want to do this work with me. This is what we're doing inside of all of my programs in one way or the other. And you're so welcome. Sending you so much love.