Ep 195: What Changes When You Become Securely Attached

Secure attachment isn’t the absence of reactions. It’s the capacity to move between closeness and space without spiraling in survival mode. It’s the moment when something that once felt life-threatening simply becomes… workable.

In this episode, I walk through the five signs of insecure attachment we explored earlier in the series and show you what they look like on the other side.

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Transcript

Closeness, Space, And The Relational Dance

From Insecure To Secure: What Changes

The Visceral Shift: Calm Over Chaos

Sign 1 Reframed: From Reacting To Choice

Sign 2 Reframed: Comfort With Uncertainty

Sign 3 Reframed: Holding Your Feelings

Sign 4 Reframed: Give To Yourself First

Sign 5 Reframed: Stop Believing Lies

Secure Starts Within: Training Ground

Congruence, Safety, And Soothing Patterns

SPEAKER_00 0:46

In the past three episodes, we've been exploring insecure attachment patterns, but hopefully in a way that has given you a lot more nuance. It's not about being one or the other. The way I talk about it is what has been flagged as unsafe in your system. So that in those moments you go into a survival response, a protection mechanism. That might mean pulling away from connection, or that might mean like really reaching for connection and pursuing it and trying to get to it. So if we start looking at relationship as a full breath, which includes both an in-breath and an out-breath, it is important that both of these patterns, like pulling away and coming closer, is part of a whole. Each side of a whole. So coming close and being in connection is one aspect of relating, of relationship. But having space and feeling yourself is the other aspect of relationship of connection. Because it's not until you can fully feel yourself and what you want and what is important for you and to feel your own desires that you can fully step into connection with someone else. And it's when you have a little distance, a little space between, that you also can long for the other. So looking at relationship as both in-breath and out breath, both time together and time apart. And then the transition in between, I think it makes it easier to see which one of these sides have historically and growing up and like in our emotional history been flagged as unsafe. Which is the one that is most easy, that is more easier to navigate for us? And we tend to look at the other, right, and say, oh, you have a hard time connecting. You are this, you're that. Okay. What about you? What about you? Which of these kind of poles in relationship is harder for you, easier for you? And also, like, what is the quality of them? Because when we're in an insecure attachment or more child-parent dynamic, we often hang out in these poles in a way that is insecure. We pull away in a way that dismisses the other, or have us in this kind of rebellion where we're taking a stand against something in a way, you're smothering me, or this is too much, or meaning protection, right? But also in the closeness in the connection. How are we, like, what's the quality of that connection? Are we having this need to overshare every little thing that's going on inside of us and have someone else reflect that back to us? Is it like a needy sense of I can't stand on my own legs without you being here and without me sharing all of this with you? Or is it a sense of interdependence? Yes, I am independent together with you. I'm okay if you need a little time or if you're busy with something right now. That's not what I want our relationship to be all the time. But I'm okay if you need to direct your attention somewhere else right now, because I first and foremost have my attention on me. So it's both about your capacity to be in both of these poles, like a dance where you feel secure to move between them with more freedom, and where you're not pulled into one or the other by automated patterns. So this is the summary of what does it feel like to move from insecure to securely attached? That you're able to move between these different states of relating without spiraling in pain. And even if you would be spiraling or reacting to something, it's not that that will never happen, but it is that how you relate to that, how you give yourself time, how you lead yourself through it, how you're not making decisions from reactions, but rather holding yourself through reactions so that you can sink through the layers and get to a decision, a choice, a communication that's needed. But that is all happening underneath the layers. So being in the dance of relating, moving between these poles of space, of closeness, in a way like with a quality of this feels good to me. I am showing up in a way that feels good to me, that I'm proud of, and in which I'm growing my self-esteem. So, if that is the summary, I want to circle back to some of our signs, you know, our our five signs of insecure attachment, and look at the other side of them. What is the secure equivalent of these signs? Because I know for me, it was hard to even know and fathom, like what would it feel to be secure in this situation for me? Because all I had known was a reactive pattern. And it really, I can tell you, it really is a huge difference. And it's a visceral feeling, it's not a thought, it's just silence where there used to be like loud burning sensations in your body, or there's a sense of calm or groundedness where there used to be spiraling and overthinking. But that isn't because you thought your way out of that, is because something has been met inside of you that wasn't before. So let's look a little closer at our five signs of insecure attachment and what they would feel like when you move into a more securely attached system. And, you know, side note, but I think it's so beautiful that us insecurely attached peeps, we get to experience the full journey. You know, we tend to sometimes be really jealous or envious on people with secure attachment, and we're like, oh, why did I pull this stick? You know, why were these carts given to me that I'm insecurely attached? Why was I treated this way? So I ended up with all these obstacles on my relational journey. But I think imagine someone who's securely attached to begin with. They don't get to have this hero's journey where they actually go from feeling all this sense of suffering and panic and anxiety around this, and then kind of conquering secure attachment. It takes a lot of courage to do that. You get to meet with your deepest fears. And I'm not saying that securely attached people don't have their own hero's journey, it just might be in a different area, right? But what I'm saying is don't be so quick of telling a story where you're where you're the loser. Maybe you're not. I'll tell you after a decade of working so closely with clients and myself, you are not. You are a hero. And your growth and like your capacity for love from moving through this pattern and meeting with the pain inside of you, oh, so worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. For me, this is also part of that kind of revolution in your mindset to shift all of this and how we're thinking about insecurely, insecure attachment, how we think about emotional wounds. What if they're not your enemy? What if they're not failures? They are actually your training ground into secure attachment. Okay, back to the main road here. Our five signs of insecure attachment that we talked about in episode 192. And you can, of course, go back to there to hear more about them. But the first one was that you're pulled into an automated, automated pattern. Like you're having like this full body reaction, and it just feels like I have to get out of here, or like anxiety heats in your body because you don't hear back from them, and you're like, I have to reach for them. So there's an automated reaction, full body experience. It's not just a thought, but it feels like survival, right? It feels like something needs to happen. And just as I'm saying this, there's a group gathering for a wedding, or maybe it's after the wedding ceremony, going for the dinner outside of my window here. So we're gonna wish them all the best on their relational journey together. So, sign number one, you're pulled into automated patterns, okay? So, what does it feel like on the other side? Well, you have choice, it doesn't mean that a reaction doesn't show up, but you now have grown your capacity and your skill to be with that reaction, and over time, what that does, when you practice that for six months, for a year, something happens. Because one, you've also gotten into, you know, kind of resolve the underlying emotional wound, the unmet need. But when you start holding yourself from this new capacity, when you're not just running with that reaction and um responding from it, reacting from it, speaking from it, then you start creating more choice. That's not the only neural pathway that is being fired. So, what you're doing is that you're conquering this situation as more safe. Okay, someone's upset, someone needs more space, someone is coming closer. Like, ah, I can be in that experience now without going into survival state. So that choice feels like you can feel into what you want to do in this situation. You don't need to make them wrong for what they're doing. It's like, ah, they're doing whatever they need or whatever they're reacting to. It might not be my first hand choice for this relationship, but I also don't make it about me. So now I have choice. I have choice. How do I want to dance in the relational dance? What's the step I want to make? Do I want to communicate about this? And do I want to do that then in a way that feels good, in a way that feels from integrity, that still feels kind, and not blaming them for wherever they are at. So choice. Do I want to step away from this relationship? Do I want to move closer into it? You get to feel into that. And it feels like you have the capacity to make all the different dance moves, not just one. And it is very freeing. You start feeling yourself as much more like sovereign and yeah, in integrity. I get to feel into what's important for me. I don't have to just react in a way that I'm not even sure. Is me. You know, with this doubt, with this sense of, am I reacting now? Is this really me? So you get to take your time with that and you get to choose the way that feels good for you. So the second sign that we have, there's this inner conflict often between two options. Your mind will pit you against another option. So should I stay or should I go? Those are the only two options. We don't have anything in between, which is like, do I want to bring this up? Um, and even if it's I should bring this up, you know, I either need to tell them that I'm staying or I'm leaving. We don't have the option of just speaking out loud a little bit of what's going on for us without needing to have a solution to this. So this inner conflict, is it this or is it that? Is it me or is it them? Am I the one reacting or am I not being met? Like, no. In the secure relating, we get to be present in that experience. So, whoo, I'm not feeling fully met here. What does that feel like for me? And do I yet know if I want to be in this relationship? Maybe I don't. So we're much more secure with uncertainty, and we start to understand that life is that. Life is uncertain. It's not about knowing, it's not about making the decision, it's more about how you move through it. You can make a parallel here too, like going to the gym or exercising or learning a new skill. In the beginning, you're like, I long for when I know how to play these 10 songs on the guitar, and you know, everyone is cheering me on. Or I long for when I'm fit, you know, when I've lost this weight, or when I have this kind of body and muscle mass from going to the gym. But that is often coming from a fear, something underlying, right? Where you're like, I'm trying to get out of this experience because this is not a good experience to have, I'm losing something on it, like it's giving me an emotional experience that I don't like, people won't love me, you know, I'm reaching for something else. But when you start shifting out of that fearful pattern and you're moving on your life journey, it's like you are actually starting cherishing how you make the repetition, how you are practicing the guitar that day, how you're slowing down and feeling into that pull-up instead of just getting the exercise done for today and not caring about like the quality, your presence as you're there. So this is what shifts. That you get to be in the middle and you get to realize that that's an experience too. I don't know yet what I want, I don't have an either or answer. And it doesn't need to be black or white. Maybe it's some of the other colors right in between. So that you get to sink more into nuance, you get to feel into things, and you get to feel start feeling safe with being with not knowing, to be in uncertainty. And your mind isn't in such a hurry to then come up with an answer to know. No, you get to feel your way through whatever you are experiencing. Ah, this is what uncertainty feels like. Yeah, this piece feels good with this person, but this part I'm not sure about. Hmm. Let me feel into that. So to hang out in the middle rather than being pushed into one or the other, into right or wrong, black or white, and that your mind is constantly telling you there's a right answer here, and I have to find it. I have to figure it out or else. Which is also just pointing to your system feeling unsafe with being in the experience of uncertainty. So, sign number three. We were talking about that we either project or dismiss what we're feeling, what we're experiencing. It's almost like we can't hold that experience inside of us. Oh, something painful is coming up. So I'll either project it onto you and tell you, you've done me wrong. You caused me to feel this way. Or, oh my God, what am I going to do about this? And and vomit it all over them, right? And asking them to care for that, to pick that up. Or we dismiss what we're feeling inside. Oh, that's so silly. I shouldn't be feeling that. Um, why am I reacting this way? So we project or dismiss our own experience. And on the more secure attachment side, again, we have grown our capacity to be with the emotional experience within. And it's not even the emotional experience, it's it's all the felt experience of being you in this moment. We can call this resilience, but it tends to point to like some sense of overcoming or really powering through something. But what I'm asking you to do is actually softening around that experience and drop into it without believing the stories of it. Oh, deep sadness, deep longing. Can I be inside of that experience? Okay, loss or excitement, joy, goodness, pleasure. Maybe that's what's been flagged as unsafe in your system. So dropping in and actually having the experience, which for me is the experience of life itself. So it's almost like, are you here for your life, for your life experience, or or are you checking out from it? And it makes sense that it feels like we're drowning in it, or it becomes overwhelming because that is our that's our protector part that have built a very small container for this. And they've flagged all of those experiences unsafe and said, no, no, no, no, no, this shouldn't be happening in here. So it feels so big because your container is small for it. So when we work with these parts and we get all of your parts on board with this new way of relating to yourself, relating to life, relating to others, then they actually won't feel overpowering, overwhelming, like you're drowning in them. Or you won't feel numbed out from them. They'll start to actually move through you and you'll feel more alive. You will feel life inside of you because you s you allow and welcome feeling. But this requires that we step away from you know the projection onto that feeling, the meaning your mind has given it, which we'll come back to in just a little bit. So being with any experience inside of ourselves without making that wrong. So our fourth sign that we doubt ourselves and ties back into number two there with a conflict between two options that you know we're looking for the right answer. We're like, what what I want to do in this relating situation can't be it, right? I need to check in with others, yeah. I'm just reacting. And it might be true that you are reacting, right? But we don't need to doubt ourselves anyway. We might not want to respond or make a decision from that reaction, but we can still be with that aspect of us. We don't have to make that part of ourselves wrong. So what this feels like on the other side, on the secure side, is that we give to ourselves first. When we're noticing our system is off or we're reacting with a survival response, it tells us something. It tells us that a part of us are afraid, feel unsafe, have an unmet need, and we turn towards that and we give to ourselves first, without demanding the world to be different, without demanding someone else to show up and give that to us, but because we've learned that us turning towards ourselves is the ultimate piece that brings us into secure relating because now we are acting, responding in a secure way to our own needs inside. Before, you probably were, you had internalized and were reflecting a behavior that was, you know, acted out towards you before. People not listening to what you were feeling, not validating you, not being that way with their own emotions. So that's what you what you internalized. Oh my God, it shouldn't feel this way. This is too much. Why am I reacting this way? What's wrong with me? But now you're not making any parts of yourself wrong. Yes, they might be four years old. Yes, they might be nine years old, and you probably don't want to put them behind the wheel because that feels very unsafe to a young part, to a child, to be in charge. But you're also not making them wrong for being five, for being nine, and being scared. So you're turning towards them and you're acknowledging them. Like, hey, that makes a lot of sense. Tell me more. And you scoop them up and you sit with them. And I get this comment a lot, like, oh, that sounds like so much work. Am I gonna remember this? But it really isn't. I had a beautiful call the other day inside of the Embodied Relationship Academy. And um, someone came in like feeling a lot right now, and and being in an activated state a lot, and in survival state. And with that, thoughts are running, right? And stories are running. And what about this and what about that? And what should I be doing? And is is this going on? So from there, from that state, it feels like a lot to go be with yourself. But in just, you know, 10 minutes of guiding them to turn their attention inward and just be present and just listen for a moment to these parts. It's not that you need to say the right thing, even. It's just this attention, this presence with them where you're like, hey, I'm here, tell me more. What else is hurting? What are you afraid of? And to kind of meet yourself in that way, that these parts have always longed to be met with. Now, like, it doesn't take much. It doesn't take much. You probably, though, need the reminder, you need the reflection to see that that's what's happening, that's what's going on. I hear it again and again from my members, my clients. Like, oh my God, why can't I remember this myself? No, because we need the reflection. We need each other. We need someone with a different consciousness that reflects this back to us so that we can be reminded again and again until it becomes second nature, until it becomes a muscle memory. And we need it modeled to us because no, no one around me had modeled it to me. I had to learn how to do it and how to do it in a way that I'm like, yes, that's how I want to treat myself. I see them doing it. I want that. And also just following that feeling, like, oh, now all my parts have just relaxed inside. So we start giving to ourselves first this kind of quality of attention. This is what I call true self-love and what I really bring my era, my embodied relationship academy members into. Not some fluffy idea of self-love and just run around and do a bunch of stuff that's supposed to be self-love. No, it's turning this attention inward towards these parts of you that are longing for this attention. So we give to ourselves first. We fill our own lives up with what we want and not expecting that to come from others. And then, of course, we want to pair up with someone who does things in a similar way. Not similar away to how we do them, but kind of what? The underlying values, how they're treating themselves, and therefore how they treat us. We fill our own cup, we don't wait around for others to sexually fulfill us, emotionally fulfill us, not because we don't want that from a partner, but because why wait around who knows how long until we can have that? No, we go create the life that we want so we can also give to someone else from a full cup, not because we need them and we're gonna die if they don't give it to us. So, sign number five. That's the piece where we're giving a lot of meaning to things. You know, that this reaction is coming up means I'm not healed yet, that I've attracted just yet another partner means that, you know, I haven't done enough work. I'm radiating the wrong energy, you know, whatever. We give meaning to things and also inside of our emotional reaction. I'm feeling this much sadness, which means, you know, either they are terrible people that are trying to harm me. Why would they do that to me? That means I'm not loved. That means I'm not appreciated, that means I'm not respected. Are we sure about that? Yeah, in our world, their behavior is sending that signal to us, but do we know that that's what they meant? That they really wanted to harm us. And we tend to give meaning like inside of us what this means for our if we're worthy of love, if we're valued, valued, if we're appreciated, which points to an underlying belief, right, that we are caring. So we're using others kind of to like, please poke this wound inside of me that I have, that I believe, but then we project it onto them because we haven't fully turned towards it and met with it inside of ourselves. So instead of us carrying it and taking responsibility for it, that's here inside of me. And yeah, others might be reflecting it back by their behavior and how they're treating me, but it is alive inside of me. So on the other side of all this meaning making is that we actually stop believing lies because that's what they are. That you're not loved, it's a big fat lie. Okay, and it doesn't even depend on what someone else is doing and or how they're feeling towards you, because innately you are loved. And when you start tapping into this experience inside of you that you are loved and that you are love and that you are from love, and when you open this channel, it will just start overflowing inside of you. There's no doubt, and it doesn't mean that if someone else pulls away or don't want to be with you, that you're not loved. It's the sense of making it about you, right? It must be me. Like, no, maybe they need something else, and maybe them taking some time away does not mean much at all. And and maybe it does mean something about their capacity, but not about yours. So we stop believing lies and we start being very skeptical about what our mind is telling us, and we start to lead in a way that grows our self-esteem instead of eroding it. And that happens first and foremost inside of you. When we're not believing lies, we are so much less busy kind of defending ourselves or arguing or even reacting. Because we know it's not true. And we do stop believing lies also by really going in and resolving the underlying emotional wound, right? So we need to get in there to that layer. It's not just about telling yourself, well, I shouldn't be believing this lie anymore. Oh, if I just tell myself as many times as possible that I am loved, I will feel that. Probably not. If you have a part that's calling out for you inside that feels they're not loved, then they need your attention. They need you to turn towards it and be there in that experience with them and feel them and acknowledge them. And so that they can move through that. But the freedom and the energy that comes from not believing these lies and therefore protecting us from having that wound touched or defending ourselves or defending others, like no, we just let things be. And it's so much more grounded, peaceful, calm, and we're not running around in a survival response because that's what those lies do to us. Living with an underlying lie that you're not loved, that there's something wrong with you. There's nothing more activating for your nervous system. And we look everywhere else, like, what's wrong with my health? Why can't I regulate myself? I need to work harder, right? I need to fix myself instead of slowing down and turning inward towards this part of ourselves. That is the way out. That is the way through and out to the other side. And I want to wrap this episode up with saying that we tend to think that this reaction shouldn't be happening, or that person shouldn't come into my life or behave this way. They wouldn't treat me this way, right? If I was secure, healed, out on the other side, if I truly believe that I love myself, you know. So we make whatever is happening wrong, and again, we make it about us. We take it on and we're like, it's me. Without seeing that that is part of that insecure attachment. We're like, we're making it about us. We're directing attention back to us and and back onto that part of us that believes it's me, there's something wrong with me, I'm too broken. But insecure relating, like the difference is these things could still be happening. Someone is not texting back, someone is showing up with all their trauma and demanding you to hold that for them. Someone is don't like you that much or don't meet you in the way that you want to, don't respect you. Okay, all of these things could be happening also in when you're more securely attached. The difference is how do we relate to it? Do we make that mean something about us? Do we dismiss ourselves for feeling what we're feeling in that moment? No, again, the secure relating happens inside of you first. Can you see that? Can you sense that? That secure relating starts with how you are treating yourself. That's why I talk again about a relationship revolution. As long as you're trying to do inner work from a sense of, I need to fix myself or else I'll never get that good relationship so I can have my needs met. That is keeping the wound, the insecure attachment intact. You growing your capacity to relate to yourself and all parts of yourself and your emotional experience and your nervous system and your wounds and your protectors differently. That is your training ground for secure relating. You practice it with yourself so it becomes a reality, so that you can do it with others. If you're trying to do it with others, but inside of you, parts are screaming and being upset or really spiraling in pain and hurt, the other person's little animal body can pick up on that. No, this needs to be congruent, it needs to be grounded inside of you. And that's why I teach relating in the way that I do, by how you relate to yourself, to your own inner world first. That needs to be reclaimed as safe. Because if you keep telling yourself lies, that brings you constantly into an activated state, into survival mechanisms, then you're not safe. Your inner world, your own mind, your own body isn't safe. No wonder you feel stressed, you feel anxious. No wonder you need to distract yourself or numb out or reach for something that relieves it, whether that's sex, attention, cigarettes, alcohol, weed, something else. I'm not saying none of those are inherently bad. Well, all of them are in excess, but it's where it's coming from. Where are you reaching for it from? And when you start to understand that, oh, I'm reaching for it to get a need met, then more compassion for that pattern, for that seemingly addiction, yeah, can grow. It makes sense because we're trying to get to safety, we're trying to get to peace. Secure relating starts within. And the methods and embodied practices that I've created to both heal underlying wounds and bring you into more self-esteem about like the goodness, the happiness that you're worthy of, are the best that I know because they worked for me. But also, and I'm a stubborn little thing, okay? Skeptical mind, stuff going on, mm-hmm, hiding there up in my intellectual thinking. Okay, so it took me a lot. I had to work with the kind of hardest case to crack, and then trying it out on clients and realizing, oh, this works for more people as well. And I couldn't be more happy than seeing that, that they're really able to move through something where they thought, this is hopeless, this is never gonna work for me. And now it feels different. So that's why I'm saying they're the best. Because I know they're efficient, and they're bringing you into so much more of you than you ever thought was possible. In the next episode, I'll talk more about kind of what what the roadmap is to get you from insecure to secure. And we'll also have bring in a conversation that I had in one of my programs so that you get to hear some more tangible examples of that. Like what's needed now that you know it's possible, and what it feels like on the other side.