The Uncover YOU podcast

Ep 191: How To Heal Wounds At The Root (And Become Secure In Relationships)

• Eva Beronius • Season 3 • Episode 191

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An unprocessed wound shows up as control, people-pleasing, blaming or shut-down in relationship situations. It's the spiralling in hurt when you think you don't matter to them. The doubting yourself and your worth. Or what keeps you from letting someone in.

The key to healing relationship wounds at the root is to feel what you're most afraid of feeling. But the how is important. Most of us drown in the stories (feeling through our head) or have protection layers that stop us from getting to the bottom layer.

In this episode, we look at: 

  • How you know you have an unprocessed wound
  • How to tell if it's your wound or their behaviour that is painful
  • Why feeling hasn't changed anything before
  • How to feel in a way that heals

Ready to revolutionize your relationship experience?

👉 Join the Feel To Heal waitlist — my brand new 21-day training with daily, embodied practices to meet hurt with love, and transform it into secure connection.

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The online programs:

Join me in Alchemy to heal emotional wounds and shift reactive patterns (one year of live calls, lifetime access to practices, €550)

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Let's grow into the relationship you always longed for, starting with falling in love with being YOU. 🚀🩷

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the podcast. As I am getting ready to celebrate holiday with my family and packing for Mexico and Teotihuacan and our yearly power journey there. There's a lot going on right now, but a lot of exciting and beautiful things. And I'm I'm honestly mostly spending a lot of time in front of my fireplace. And because it's when I slow down that I start to get my deepest inspiration. That's when all the ideas, but not just ideas, it's like heart longings and things are starting to come through. So I I wish that for you too. I know this is hectic times, but I wish for you to have some uh slowing down times so you can really feel yourself, feel what you want, feel what you desire and long for. And I wanted to come on and record this episode because this piece is so huge. When this piece starts to click for members in my programs, for clients, it changes everything. How to heal the relationship wound at the core, and we will talk about what that is, but the most exciting piece in all of this is the journey that you're taking as you're learning how to do this because you're becoming someone else, you're becoming more than you thought yourself to be, as you're really learning how to heal relationship wounds at the root. And yeah, we're going to talk about feeling. And yes, we're going to talk about feeling what you've feared to feel the most. Hint, hint, spoiler. But we're gonna do it in a way that maybe you haven't heard about it, like heard it talked about before. Because so often we're told to feel our emotions or feel that thing, you know, therapists tell us, you know, but they often don't tell us how, and the how is the important piece. So that's what I mean. When this clicks into place and start becoming second nature, it starts to becoming a way of life, which is a way more natural way of life and trying to suppress them or disconnect from what you're feeling. Now you will be able to move through things much more quickly, and you will be able to clear out a lot of baggage that is causing a lot of distress and a lot of drama in your relationships. And it might be the reason why you're not, why you're reluctant to step into a relationship to begin with. So I talk a lot about both healing and growth to get to secure, connected, loving relationships, right? And to use relationship as that mirror to see what's hurting inside. And so many of us get this backward. We're like, oh, this is showing up in my relationship. That means I'm failing, that means I'm broken. But it's actually this beautiful mirror to look into so that you can see, oh, here's a piece that's hurting, that needs love, that is sitting in there and it's lacking love. And let me like, uh, let me go there. And we become so focused on everything else. We could become focused on the other person, what they're doing and what they're not doing. We become focused of how far we've come or whether we're there or not, instead of what actually matters, which is turning to the part that's sitting in there and like, ouch, ouch, something is really hurting. The only way through a painful relationship pattern is through. Okay, the only way to the other side is through it, and that's exactly what we're going to talk about. So, like I said, I talk a lot about both healing and growth, and both are needed if you want that loving relationship, if you want to become that relationship that you so much long for. Sometimes we get stuck in the growth. We listen to all the advice, we're like secure relationship, nonviolent communication, conscious relating, and we're trying to get to that point, and we're like practicing all the tools and we're learning how what to say in certain situations. But if we're not addressing what hasn't been healed, a wound in there that is kind of stuck in a loop, it's frozen in an experience that happened in the past. Now we can't really add things on top of that because it's gonna keep screaming because it hasn't been seen. So you can't grow and think your way out of these wounds. It actually is something that you have to go in and meet with your felt sense. So then other of us we get stuck in the healing phase, okay? We're just working on ourselves and we become almost identified with our wounds and uh with everything that has happened to us in the past, with our trauma, and we're like, yeah, this is why, and and I need to save space this way. But then it's like we're keeping that wound, but these parts of ourselves stuck in a two-year-old experience and in a painful experience, and we don't give them the opportunity to grow through and past that, meaning to transcend that. And that's exactly what I believe life is for, to move through all these experiences and kind of become from them. So when we have a wound, we haven't become something else on the other side of it. We are sitting in it still, or a part of us, and our nervous system is sitting in that experience still and reliving it again and again and again. So this is why we need both healing and growth to go hand in hand. Okay, so let's start here. How do we know then? How do we know if we have a wound that needs healing? And and maybe it's just this relationship, maybe it's no good for me. Maybe they're not meeting me or treating me the way that I want to, and am I therefore making myself wrong for looking at myself all the time? And we'll talk about that nuance, is it me or them a little later in this episode? But for now, how do you know that there's a wound there? This is what to track. If in certain situations, it can be that someone gets angry with you, it can be the sense of that they will be upset, it can be around something that you know you just get flooded with shame around, or that you shut down and freeze in that situation, and all of a sudden you can't speak up or say what you need or want. So, what to track is does this situation in relating feels safe to you? And meaning it doesn't even have to be unsafe in the outer world. I'm not so much talking here about abusive situations or violent situations. I'm more talking about someone needing space, removing their attention from you, or someone wanting connection and coming close to you, someone looking upset or being stressed, or, you know, all these things that will happen in life and relationship. So to track if they feel safe to your system, or if your system is putting you in a survival state. It's flag the situation as danger. This is unsafe. We don't know what to do with this, so we're gonna revert into a survival response, which might be fight, flight, freeze, fawn, right? Or like fix, which is uh very much related to fawn. So getting to know this in your system, which often feels like being full-body flooded with impulses, with thoughts, uh, with that shutdown, with that freeze. Like all of a sudden, you don't have any options. I often talk about it as instead of being in the relating dance where you're like, oh, I can step to the right, I can step to the left, I can do a little spin, like let me be in this playful sense of relating and having choices in how I want to move through the situation. All of a sudden, all your choices are being taken away. And it's like you have only one option, which is we have to have a conversation about this now, or else, even if it's 1 a.m., like it has to happen now, I won't feel good unless we do this now. We have to figure this out, or I need to get out of here, I should be leaving this relationship, it's no good for me. Or that shut down, that freeze. I can't speak, I can't do anything right now. So to track this, if you're kind of out of options and being put in just one automated protective mechanism, that is a clear sign that you've been put in a survival response, which is a clear sign that these relationship situations has been flagged as unsafe, as a danger by your system. And that very much points to a wound, meaning something that happened that felt emotionally overwhelming and unsafe to a part of you, and other part didn't know what to do in that situation, so survival response took over. So that is your clue, that is your sign to look for. So let's come back to this question. But what if it's both? What if they're actually not meeting my needs? What if they're actually not um showing up in a way that feels good for me? I've told them so many times that this is what I need, and still they don't do it. This is very much what happens. It is both, okay. Yes, they are doing something that doesn't feel good, which therefore activates this inner response. So you might be wondering, so shouldn't I just leave that relationship then? Should I really keep working on myself? And what I say is there's never any downside with you turning towards this part of you to heal it. That is not you blaming yourself or taking on the responsibility for that, but that is you turning towards your half and what you can actually impact. There's never anything bad with that. You will never regret doing that. And here's the kicker, okay? Once you do that, is where you'll be able to make different decisions, make different choices in that relationship situation. Because there's a reason you haven't walked away. There's a reason that you're sitting in an inner conflict, and it will become so much clearer for you when you've turned towards your half. Because once you're out of survival response in these situations, you will be able to speak up more clearly about what you want without going into complete explosion or blaming. You can do it in a more grounded way. And if it's time to leave, you'll be able to do that as well, and not from a survival response, I need to get out of here, but it will be a much more grounded and clear decision. So you'll be able to move through situations also where other people are behaving in a way that doesn't feel good to you in a better, more grounded, more loving way. So healing your half, turning towards what's hurting inside of you, actually gives you better chances to set boundaries, walk away, make a different dance move, creating more distance, uh be really clear with what you want and need. So again, the way out of your painful pattern is through it. So what do I really mean with that? It might sound abstract and like, okay, feel the thing. What is going through it? Simply put, it is to feel, fully feel what you've been afraid the most of feeling. So thinking about whatever you're afraid will happen, that they will leave you, that they will come too close, that you will let them in, and then it will be obvious that you can't trust them, they will betray you. You will sabotage something. You will feel so much shame or embarrassment over this part of your life, or them discovering that you're not all that dandy, like whatever fear it is that you have in relationship that is pointing to the wound underneath. And here's the real gold in this, which will take back the power of becoming secure in relationship to you, no matter what the other person is doing. So that secure relating is something that is in your hands, and it is to understand that whatever you're afraid of in relating, them giving their attention to someone else, them smothering you, or you going into people-pleasing patterns and losing yourself, it isn't so much about what is happening or not happening, what they are doing and not doing, what you're doing or not doing. It's more about how that will make you feel. The emotional experience inside is what's been flagged as unsafe because it was overwhelming the first time we touched it, the first time we had the experience of it. And no one was there really holding you through that experience and kind of guiding you the way that you would have needed. So a lot of stories and meaning got attached to this now overwhelming emotional experience. Feeling the sadness and at the same time believing I'm all alone and never no one will ever come to save me. That now forms something. That forms this seed that gets planted in your inner soil and it grows a whole tree, a whole garden in how you relate to others. Oh, I'm I will always have to take care of myself. And this is now like a belief that's alive inside of you and forms an identity, which is now how you're showing up. But if we can go back there into that root and start really time traveling and coming back to that experience and saying to that part and helping that part see that the story wasn't necessarily true, but the emotion was very much real and they can be processed separately. So now we're getting into the piece that I talked about in the beginning. It's the how that matters. So when I tell you to go in and feel, have the emotional experience that you're the most afraid of having, now we're getting into the granular pieces of it, the really important pieces of how do you do that? And that's what matters. So what we usually do in these situations, we try to think positively, we try to override that emotion, we try to be thankful instead, we try to distract from it, or we drown in it, we completely collapse in that black hole of it and completely believe the story of it. Yes, I'm all alone, no one's ever gonna come and get me. And this is why we're so afraid of going in to feel that emotion. So there's a how around this, too. The reason it's felt so scary is because you're identified with parts of you that were also five or seven or however old when they had this overwhelming experience. And they've drawn the conclusion that we're not gonna get out alive from this experience. So what you're sensing in that fear is just that survival response and how flagged it's been like as a danger to your system. And it's not necessarily true. No, you will not die from feeling an emotion. No, you will not get stuck, like sucked into this black hole and be there forever. I guarantee it and I promise it, when you learn how to do it, from not like identified with these parts, trying to solve it from this five-year-old who believes all these things. So that's why my method and what I really teach people inside of my program, alchemy, is to unidentify from these parts. And I call it to sink through the layers of identification, because you unidentify from one part that is afraid of feeling it, and then you arrive somewhere else. But maybe there there's a sense, there's a different fear, and then you meet with that fear as well. So here's the other piece that goes to how we don't override. Because if you've been trying to follow the advice about feeling before, you might have been trying to do it from a part of you that don't know how to show up with compassion and love for that experience. And that is so, so crucial. So Feeling that thing, but now from a different consciousness, not identified with the old beliefs that is super important. Otherwise, yeah, it will just be a reinforcing of that wound, of that experience. So the way out of your painful relationship loops, that thing that keeps happening again and again. You're unmet. You have to do everything by yourself. No one's here for you. Or you feel smothered. There's no space, there's no room. I'm losing myself in here. I can't be myself because I go into people pleasing. Them removing their attention from you and putting it on others, me feeling so alone, even though I'm in a relationship. Or I'm attracting another one of those, whatever it is, emotionally unavailable, someone that has a lot of trauma or baggage and like super needy and need me to save them or fix them. So that thing that keeps happening in dating and in love, that is your piece of gold, that thread to follow into an emotional, unprocessed experience inside of you that became overwhelming at some point, that became flagged as unsafe and therefore hasn't been processed all the way through. When an experience is processed all the way through, it is moved from our short-term to our long-term memory in our brain. Our body now knows it's in the past. It happened before, like poof, yeah, that was tough, but it's behind us. With a wound like this, it's often not processed back into the long-term memory. So when it's being touched, we're experiencing it like this moment. It's happening now. I need to get out of here. And it can also tie into an unmet need, something that wants to be resolved inside of us. A child sitting in, like, I need this attention to keep growing, to get older, to mature. Like this, this is a need at this face of my developmental journey that I need, I need to know that I'm safe so that I can go out into the world and explore. I need to be reflected in my emotions. I need to know that they matter so that I can get a sense of I and that I matter. So these pieces is what our day-to-day painful loops in relating and love and dating can guide us back into. It's like, ah, there it is. There's the unmet need, there's the unprocessed event. These are the wounds that I'm talking about. And this is such a crucial part if you want to move into secure, loving connection and relationship, and have the relationships that we always longed for. The healing so that we then can get to the growth, so that your parts can grow past this point, learn new skills, grow their self-esteem and showing up with a sense of worth and value and standing for what they want. This is how the relating dance becomes fun again. So this piece with feeling what you're the most afraid of feeling in a way that actually heals it instead of reinforcing. It's a piece that I needed a lot of guidance around because I was so shut down from feeling my emotions. I was so much in denial of them being there until they kind of exploded out in a painful way. And it was so layered, it showed up as freeze. And then I had to go down layer by layer and see all everything that has had been put as protection in front and around that core wound, what was actually felt. The sadness, the pain, the hurt, the shame. So doing this, I know how scary it can feel, and I know how liberating it is on the other side. When your system isn't flagging this anymore, now you're able to dance. Now you're able to be in that relating situation or walk away from it because it doesn't serve you anymore. But it will feel more as, hmm, bored with that. You know, I don't want to spend my time here. I want other things rather than how could you do this to me? How could this be happening again? So that is the sign that you've actually started healing these wounds. You'll feel more neutral and bored and like ready to move on. That has been healed. I'm ready, I'm done with this lesson. It doesn't have to keep showing up anymore, right? I'm ready to move on. And we usually have a lot of ideas, except for, oh my God, it's so scary. I don't know how to do it, and it feels overwhelming. But it's also a sense of like, oh, it's hard work, it's gonna take a long time, it feels like a big effort. But I'll tell you, it's a way bigger effort to do what you're doing right now, to have a wound that you're trying to make sure isn't touched, to try and control the world and other people and what they're doing so that that wound won't get touched. It's draining you of life force, of energy, of aliveness and joy. And you will feel so much freer when you go in, when you go on this hero's journey and meet that dragon in the cave, and you realize, oh, it wasn't actually so scary. My mind made it sound like that, but it really wasn't. So if you want my guidance on how to go in to do this, step by step, for three weeks, 21 days, I'll show you in my new private podcast journey, Feel to Heal. It'll come out end of December and it will be around. And for the first two weeks, I'll have a premiere price so you can go grab it at a discount. Come join us. We will have a WhatsApp group so that you can get support past the obstacles where you would usually get stuck. So we'll really get you through this. What are you waiting for? While you think you've been, you know, running from pain, what you've done is you've actually been running from love. Because, again, the only way out of your painful pattern, the thing that keeps looping, is through it. Let's go through it together. Like maybe you're a fairy godmother. Let me take you by the hand and show you how, and you will grow your self-esteem and your confidence and your freedoms so much from doing this. Come join me, and I hope this has been helpful in understanding like how to heal relationship wounds at the root, and how to know that you have them, and what to focus on, what to prioritize, solving the thing, the situation in the relationship versus going in and healing first, so that you will have a very different foundation to move through relationship situations from. Start with the healing, you can never go wrong with that.