The Uncover YOU podcast

Ep 189: When Asking For Safety Pushes Them Away (Is It Me or Them, Part 2)

• Eva Beronius • Season 3 • Episode 189

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What happens when you ask your partner for reassurance, comfort, or safety — and instead of bringing you closer, it pushes them away?

In this episode, I take you deeper into the classic question from Ep 130, “Is It Me or Them?”  We’ll explore why our nervous system reverts to child–parent dynamics in moments of fear, how to recognize when a younger wounded part is activated, and what it looks like to hold yourself instead of making your partner responsible for your sense of safety. Without abandoning your values or settling for crumbs.

You’ll walk away with practical insights for discerning between wounds and values, communicating from a mature place, and staying in the relational dojo long enough to turn conflict into intimacy.

Check out these related episodes:
Ep 130: Is It Me Or Them
Ep 187: Jealousy As Wisdom

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Eva:

A warm welcome back to the podcast. It's been a while since I recorded a new episode and someone reached out to me last week on Instagram like why did you stop recording for the podcast? And just letting you know I have not. Sometimes I need my attention and my focus inside of my program. We've just this summer started up the Embodied Relationship Academy and we've been having a fantastic time in there.

Eva:

There are also other exciting things going on behind the scenes of content that I want to give to you that we are prepping. So I will always come back to the Uncover you podcast and even if there's a pause here and there, there are so many episodes to go back to the Uncover you podcast. And even if there's a pause here and there, there are so many episodes to go back to right, so there's so much gold in here that you can explore. And also this is something that I see for so many of us, the mind tends to seek more information like give me a new nugget, give me the missing key, give me what it is that I need to know, and everything will fall into place. When so often it's about implementing what we already know, knowing it in your head won't shift anything, as we talk about extensively in this podcast. So getting this information from your mind and down into your body is crucial, and that is what we do inside of alchemy and inside of Aira. That's why I call it embodied self-mastery, that's why I call it alchemy. Like alchemy won't happen by you thinking about these things, by you consuming more information. And there are seasons, there are times when we're like I want to be inspired, I want to have this shift of consciousness and I want to have a different awareness on what I'm experiencing and just notice when there's time to really get it into your body. And we tend to wait way too long with this step. We just keep consuming and we keep shaming ourselves and judging ourselves for not being different when we're doing all the work. But often what we're doing is consuming more information, not knowing how to get this into our nervous system, into our emotional experience, and that is what I'm so passionate about. So it's always this I want to give you these tools, these directions inside this episode, but what I'm really passionate about is getting it into your body, and that's what we do inside of my programs, right?

Eva:

So for this episode, I want to dive into a question that I received inside of Alchemy, because it's such a beautiful bridge between some of our previous episodes, so I will link to those as well in the description of this episode. So the question that I received was I feel very unsafe and want to be held and told everything's okay when my partner dances too intimately with someone or shares their love in a way that feels scary for me. For her it's just normal, but I get very anxious. So when I ask her to sit with me and tell me everything's okay, she feels like being a mother to me and she starts to build distance between us and all I want is to feel safe. How do I know when this is my wounded part to hold or when it's a boundary that she's crossing? Is it me or is it her? So this is such a beautiful, tangible example that I want to take apart together with you and weave it into the context of two other episodes that you can also go revisit to get even more meat on these bones.

Eva:

But for now, maybe you have something similar happening. Maybe for you it's not about your partner dancing with someone or chatting them up. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's when they put their attention elsewhere, on work on a project. Maybe it's a specific situation that makes something come up inside of you and you are wondering the same thing. You can feel like this makes you feel really unsafe, but you're not quite sure if you trust it. Is it me needing to heal a wound or is it them that have stepped over a boundary? But you're also kind of smelling poop, meaning a part of you is sensing.

Eva:

The way I'm able to bring this up doesn't seem to help. Like I try to ask for my needs, but it's like we're not getting anywhere and like in this situation, they're pulling back further and further from me. So there's like something going on that I'm not able to get to. So maybe for you that's a conflict that you keep having with a partner. Maybe it's a dynamic that keeps showing up with people you're dating. Maybe it's something else, but you up with people you're dating. Maybe it's something else. But you can apply this to so many different situations.

Eva:

So take a moment to just think of something where you get a little conflicted, where you get a little confused. Is it me, is it them? What's going on? Why am I not heard when I talk about my needs and why are they pulling away from me instead of just freaking. Give it to me right? All I want to do is feel safe, and here I am. I'm trying to be vulnerable and tell them what I need, but we're not getting anywhere.

Eva:

So in episode 130 in this podcast, is it Me or them? I answer this question with. Well, usually it's both. Our mind tends to think about this as an either or situation. It's either them or it's me, but it's usually both. It's a dance. Relating is a dance, right? So we're having one part of the dancing dynamic and the other person is having a different role and we're creating a dance together. So in that episode you can go back and listen to me giving a deeper explanation about this. But I want to make this episode very tangible of like, what do I mean and how does this apply in this situation?

Eva:

So, yes, their behavior might be out of line with your values and your desires in relationship. They might be doing something that doesn't really fit what you want, what you long for, want what you long for. But here's the tricky part Having that experience now is activating a younger part of you with a wound. So instead of navigating that situation from a more mature place and again, I'm not using mature as a judgment, I'm using it in a very factual sense of you have time traveled back to a younger part of you that hasn't yet learned how to both process the emotions around the situation and learning a new way of showing up in this situation, like feeling safe, showing up in this situation. Showing up in this situation like feeling safe, showing up in this situation. So when you know how to navigate that in a more mature way and that is not just a knowing in the mind, it's when your whole body knows your little animal body, your nervous system knows how to feel safe in that situation you will communicate very differently around it versus if a wound is being activated.

Eva:

So what we're hearing now is yeah, there's probably something that goes against your values or what you want and desire in relationship. My partner is dancing close with someone, they're just showering someone with love. Okay, something is going on there that a protector part is kind of showing up and like guardian of the relationship. Are we still like in the sacred union, or is this attention that I want to be exclusive for this union, for this connection? Is it being shared elsewhere? So can you see that there's like a fairness to jealousy or vigilance about this, that our little animal body picks up on something that like, hmm, this is not really what I want to create in relationship, and like attention is going elsewhere and I want that to be in this bubble, like that's a fair wanting. And I'm not saying that it should be the same for everyone and that everyone else should agree with you. I'm just saying that you need to find what is true for you in what you want to create in relationship, what you want the connection to be, want to create in relationship, what you want the connection to be.

Eva:

And if you have an unmet wound, it's your wanting, your desires is going to be influenced by that wound because a young part of you is trying to have an unmet need met. So you don't really know at this point what you want from authenticity, what you want from a more mature self. And again, that doesn't mean that we're supposed to override that wanting from the younger self. We need to learn to navigate it, because that is meeting that unmet need is the way into a more secure dynamic. A lot of paradoxes here, I know. So we need to get good at holding nuance as holding duality.

Eva:

It's not just black or white? It is not. Is it me or is it them? Who's to blame, kind of thing, or who is the person that needs to work on themselves? So when there isn't a wound, an unmet need there from a younger part of us, it feels clearer in our body and the reaction doesn't come so much from fear and feeling unsafe. It doesn't bring up the unsafety in the same way. It's just a signal that, ah, what I want to create, what I want from love because I see that being such a beautiful creation like this relationship that I'm envisioning and that I want like this behavior falls outside of that. It doesn't mean that we need to pull the other person into our view of the relationship, but this friction point in differences in values is actually what will bring deeper intimacy when we dare to go into these friction points.

Eva:

When we're acting from a younger self that has a wound, we have very little capacity to hang out in that friction point and see, ah, this is a beautiful opportunity for our relationship to grow, to deepen. I wonder where this will take us See. So when we have moved into child-parent dynamic, which is we just have to admit it, we will do that with our partners. There will become moments and we can feel so mature and so proud of ourselves, how we navigate things, and then we fall into that experience where we're like but I need you to, and why are you not doing this for me? So take away the judgments, don't be hard on yourself for that happening. Learn how to hold yourself when that is happening, learn how to be loving to all the parts that are showing up to you, and also learn more and more not to dump that into your partner's lap.

Eva:

So, coming back to this situation, if it was coming from a more mature experience, it wouldn't feel like unsafety. It wouldn't feel like I need you to hold me now. We need to do something about this, or else I don't know what to do with myself, or I need to get out of here. This isn't for me. How can they treat me this way? No, it would be a moment of curiosity where you're like hmm, I'm noticing a gap in values. I want to create a relationship that looks this way and I truly believe in that. Like I'm feeling how good that's going to be because of this, this and this. I can see how that's going to deepen our connection and like that's what I'm envisioning for our relationship and when you go, put your attention on other people in this way. That's not what I want to create. Because I want to create something beautiful here. That means that that attention, close physical connection when dancing with someone, how you love up on someone I want that to be exclusive in here, especially if it has a little bit of a flirty undertone, if it has some sexual energy in it, like platonic love, like, yes, I want that to be spread everywhere. You know, I'm just saying examples here. You will find your own boundaries and values and I actually like to speak about it more of values and wantings and desires rather than boundaries. It's no fun to talk about our boundaries. That's not very visionary. Is it Like your boundaries are there because you have a vision, because you want to create something beautiful?

Eva:

So now we get to see, like our signal, our flag, that we're dealing with a wounded part inside of us is that it feels so unsafe that we need them to reassure us. Can you see that this is a parent-child dynamic? When we are children, we lean on our parents to care for us, to love us, to give us attention, to give us food, all the things like we need them to co-regulate with us. And I firmly believe I have a lot of people being upset when I talk about this on Instagram and social media. They're like don't teach people to self-regulate, don't teach people to take care of themselves, because that's just a sign of a wounded world. Shouldn't we all take care of each other? Of course we should, but my point is that so many of us are not able to do that for each other because we can't take care of ourselves, because we can't care for these parts inside of ourselves. We don't know how to do it for others.

Eva:

So I'm actually training you to show up for yourself, so that you can also be that person that you want to see in the world. And you might argue but I'm already doing that. Right, I'm the one showing up and giving them what they need and anticipating their desires and really being there. Well, I want to argue that that's coming from a part of you that is trying to be safe by doing that partly that might not be the whole story, but partly and the other person is trying to be safe by doing that Partly that might not be the whole story, but partly, and the other person is going to sniff that out. So we want to get to like through these layers of conditioning and protection mechanisms, so that you can arrive at authenticity, where you're giving because your cup is full Okay, not so that someone else will be happy and love. You See the difference? Can you sense the difference in your body? So I will always. I believe I mean might change in five years or in 25, who knows.

Eva:

But for now I will argue that learning to regulate yourself, learning to turn towards these parts of yourself, is growing up, is becoming an adult, a human child not able to self-regulate. They're not supposed to. Not able to self-regulate, they're not supposed to. You are co-regulating and you will adapt to the level, like to the capacity that your caretakers had of regulating. Your nervous system will pick up on that. So now, when you're an adult, you have to pick it up from there and like oh, these were the cards that we're giving a problem. You just need to learn from there, whether that's a five-year-old, an eight-year-old, whether that's a protection mechanism of withdrawing and that's when you feel safe, or whether you have more a sense of like I need to get close to someone and that's how I'm going to get safe, it's all okay and you can learn to expand so you have more choices. Because if there's just one choice, no free will, you're not free, you're being pulled into an automated pattern. That's not freedom, that's not choice.

Eva:

So I want you to have choice in relating. I want you to feel, oh, I could show up this way or that way. And now that you know the different choices, now you can dance, now you can respond and not react. So in this scenario, you have a partner putting attention somewhere on other people that feels unsafe, the wounded part of themselves, because that's the only way that they will be able to know what they really want. I can't tell you how many situations I've been in relating where I'm like this is really important to me. I've been in relating where I'm like this is really important to me. I want us to have conversations in this way, or I want us to build a relationship with seeing each other this often and then, when meeting with certain parts of me and healing certain wounds, it's like that's actually not important anymore to me. So be prepared that what you thought were your core values and what you want in a relationship will also keep changing. It's a very humbling experience and this is being human. This is being an open human, growing human, expanding human, instead of a rigid human. This is what I believe. It will always be the same.

Eva:

So I invite you to stay in the uncomfortability of the situation, because that is your relationship, dojo. It might be true that what the other person is doing might be in conflict with your values. You might want to create something else might be in conflict with your values, you might want to create something else, but not until you turn towards your own wound, and healing that and processing what a part of you is feeling underneath is when you'll be able to both discern what it is that you want from a more mature place and communicate it to the other person from a more mature place, and not go into a child pattern of. I need you to reassure me. I need you to tell me that you love me, because that's so clear inside of you. I know I'm loved, I know I'm an amazing partner and someone should be so happy to have me, and you're also not going into a child pattern of like I need to get out of here, or maybe it's more of a teenage pattern, I would say so you've probably seen a lot of advice out there on social media, talking about, like, walk away when people are not valuing you. I mean, I'm not going to argue with that.

Eva:

It's just that in so many cases we're doing that from a place because it triggers a wound inside of us and we don't have the capacity to just like stay in the uncomfortableness of it and ask questions and be curious. So instead we say, like you're not valuing me, so I'm walking out of here. But it's coming from an underlying wound that we don't feel worthy, that we don't feel valued, no matter what the other person is doing. In a sense, we're carrying that belief that lie with us within us. It's alive in us. The other person just touched it. So you'll keep repeating this and you will keep interpret what other people are doing as something against.

Eva:

You Ask that like they're not valuing you and the only way to really show them your value is to walk out. But it's coming from a sense of protection. Like how could you, when you really feel your worth and your value, you actually grow your capacity to be in those situations? Because you're not making it about you. You're making it like it's about them. It's about their experience, it's about their capacity to love. It's about their sense of worthiness. So it's calmer inside of you to kind of stay and hang out, not to settle for crumbs but to explore what's really going on and ask questions. And you kind of turn the attention. Instead of collapsing into you and like, oh my God, who could you do this to me? And I'm feeling so much from this. You're able to turn the attention around, which is something that we practice right now inside of ERA, the Embodied Relationship Academy submissive and dominant attention, like when you turn your attention towards them and like, huh, this seems to be an insecure spot for you, this seems to bring up some unsafety. Or how do you feel about being close to someone, like you're asking them questions instead of making it mean something about you.

Eva:

So what do we do in these situations? What is it that we do inside of my programs? What are the skills that I teach you? Well, to turn towards the parts of you that are feeling hurt, are feeling unsafe, that has an unprocessed experience that traces back somewhere in your childhood and you don't have to know when that happened, what memory that is. You just need to learn the skills to really connect with this part, and you need to learn to connect with the protectors that are running a strategy a very important key that is usually missed when we do any child work.

Eva:

Now, when you met with this, this could take anything from 20 minutes to two months of going in and meeting with parts and meeting with different layers and different pieces of this dynamic, and you might be processing emotions and feeling things. But at this point, what I advise my clients to do is not to put their need into the other person's lap. Communicate with them like, oh, right now, this is my focus. I'm turning towards the part that feels so unsafe when you go put your attention out there, just letting them know what you're doing. So it might be situations where I step out of there to be with myself, to feel all of this inside of me and just know that I'm doing this for us, for the better of the relationship, and for me to really find out and be able to communicate to you clearly what it is that I want in these situations, but not making it their responsibility to make me feel safe. Remember, my definition of safety is not for the other person to do something else. It's for you to feel safe to navigate that situation, to feel everything that's coming up for you in that situation. So usually this is the point A part of us can't stand how we're feeling when our partner is putting attention on someone else.

Eva:

It brings up so much pain and unsafety and our protector part don't know how to be in that experience. So they're like you have to make me feel safe or I have to walk out of this relationship because I can't stand having this experience. But paradoxically enough, your path to more self-esteem and security and relating is to meet with that experience, is to start feeling safe, having that emotional experience that comes up from the situation. It's not so much the situations in itself at all, it's the emotional experience inside, that turning towards and that healing part and processing the emotions and growing our capacity to be with that experience. That's what we do inside of alchemy. And then there's more, because now we might have a healed five-year-old inside of us.

Eva:

But how do we grow into a mature partner where we feel proud of ourselves and how we're showing up? How do we communicate with our whole body instead of having a conflict between what we're saying with our words and what we're signaling with our nervous system? Right, like it's fine that you go out dancing with others, but the other person can tell right Our nervous system do not think it's fine. Person can tell right, our nervous system do not think it's fine. So how do we get to a point where we can use our attention in that relating dance in a way that sends very clear signals to the other person?

Eva:

This is what I want and I'm worthy of it, and it's okay if you don't want the same, and if we want to be in relationship together, let's hang out in that friction point for a bit and see where that takes us, instead of having to get to the solution all you know in one night, because we're so unsafe of experiencing this and that piece of like growth on the other side of healing, or while you're also healing, but, like our younger parts, need to grow into a more mature version of ourselves, into their full potential, not by leaving them behind, but allowing them to grow up, because usually they're sitting on so much more wisdom than we give them credit for. We're like I need to heal, you, you need to heal, you need to heal. You're causing me troubles, but they're often our key to deep love, the deep love that we're all longing for and trying to look for in in everyone else, but they are the doorway to that inside of us and that's what I teach you inside of era to both heal some particular core wounds of mother and father, wounds of, you know, not feeling safe when someone else is directing attention away from you or when they're directing attention onto you, like whatever relating situation that's been made unsafe. To both move through and process that, but then grow into a masterful artist dancer in relating. So I hope this has been helpful.

Eva:

Please go revisit episode 130, is it Me or them, and episode 187, jealousy as Wisdom, because I also talk about the shame we have around feeling jealousy and how it's actually like a signal, a guardian of the relationship. But we are often so bad at navigating jealousy so it shows up in an immature way. It shows up with a lot of shame, it shows up with a lot of reactivity and just vomiting it out on the other person or trying to control them. So that's a very good episode to listen to in relation to what we've been talking about today. I hope this has been helpful. Let me know how this is landing. Reach out on Instagram, reach out in the Embodied Self Mastery community and I'll see you in the next one.