The Uncover YOU podcast

Ep 186: From Self-Fixing to Self-Cultivation: A Mindset Revolution

• Eva Beronius • Season 3 • Episode 186

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This episode guides you into a mindset shift that changes everything.

The journey toward secure relationships begins with us becoming loving with ourselves. When we operate from the belief that we're fundamentally broken and need fixing, we erode our self-esteem. Each setback becomes evidence of our failure rather than an opportunity for learning and growth.

 Imagine approaching your personal growth not as a desperate attempt to fix what's broken, but as tending to a beautiful inner garden. Gardens take time to flourish. Some areas bloom quickly while others need extra attention. The soil might require healing before new seeds can take root. This patient cultivation builds self-trust because you witness positive change gradually over time.

As your inner landscape becomes more fertile with self-compassion and patience, your connections with others naturally transform too. You're no longer approaching relationships from fear or lack, but from a centered sense of your own worth and genuine desire for connection.

Ready to cultivate your inner garden? Join my upcoming Relationship Revolution training in July or explore the Embodied Relationship Academy launching in August. Let's grow together.

Ready to revolutionize your approach to relationships?

Save the date for the Relationship Revolution free training beginning July 10th, followed by the Embodied Relationship Academy where you'll practice these skills in a supportive community.

Let's grow together into the relationship leaders we're capable of becoming.

Eva Beronius:

Welcome back to the Uncover you podcast, where the relationship revolution continues, moving us from this state of I need to fix myself to finally have good relationships to oh, I'm in the perfect practice dojo to learn how I want my relationships to be. And it's not about setting a standard or a bar that anyone else has set for you. There are no rules. It's what you define relationship to be and it's what you define what your life is going to look like. You can create whatever life that you want to, and for this we need to get in touch with our wantings, our desires. We need to get in touch with the unique human that we are, instead of following the old conditioning and instead of operating from a fear. So we are uncovering you here in this podcast, you underneath conditioning, so that you can start having relationships from there, so that you can start treating yourself with love. So in the past few episodes, we've explored a lot like, then, what to practice in that dojo. If it's not about right or wrong, if it's not about following the perfect relationship advice and getting it all right, what is it about? Well, it's about practicing growing your self-esteem and practicing growing your sense of yourself. What do I want, what do I feel good from, and that you can navigate that and ask for that from a place of love instead of fear. Oh my God, they're not giving it to me. I have to walk out of here Like no, you get to lead in relationship. You get to lead in your life, creating more of what you want, and it doesn't mean that anyone else needs to comply to that. So in the past two episodes, I talked a lot about like what to practice. In the past two episodes, I talked a lot about like what to practice, and in the past episode, in the recent episode, I talked about, well, how to practice it and I gave examples of what I've been practicing lately in my relationship, dojo. And I want to show you today how this can trickle out into everything, like even how you're showing up and doing the work, because there's an important mindset shift that I would love for you to have that is going to make things so much easier. Take off a lot of pressure from your shoulders and actually have you grow your self-esteem, because you'll start feeling like oh, this is working, I can see how things are changing.

Eva Beronius:

So here it is, and just take a moment to imagine If you put the pressure on yourself of like, oh, I'm broken, this reaction shouldn't be showing up. And then it does. You've set a bar of like this showing up is a problem, it means something about me and it just means I've failed and that I'm not there yet and that I'm never going to have what I want. Just like feel the heaviness of that dream and also feel kind of the reaction that shows up inside of you from your protector parts. It might be hopelessness and just like, okay, we're just going to give up. This is never going to work for me.

Eva Beronius:

And with that you're probably losing touch with your wantings. You're like, yeah, there's no use of wishing for something, wanting something, because I'm not someone who's ever going to get there. So you start getting like numb from that and hopeless and kind of giving up. Or maybe you go into this more fight situation, fight response where you're fuck that. Like it can't be that way. I need to work harder, panic, what's the next thing, what's the next book, what's the next thing I need to practice or something else. Right, but just notice the nervous system response. You could probably notice it there in my tone of voice or just by telling these stories and like mimicking these thoughts that parts of your mind might be having, so like that is the survival response, that is the urgency, that is, this needs to go or else, or else, oh, there's no way out of this.

Eva Beronius:

And what I find so important and so helpful is to look at this as this inner work that you're doing, the practicing that you're doing, as a way to tend to, to nourish your inner garden. So, while this first mindset is like eroding our self-esteem how do I fix this? I'm broken. This shouldn't be happening. I should be able to XYZ, like when I have a reaction, whatever's going on. Or I had a reaction today like, oh no, it's very black or white, it's very on or off, it's like either it's good or it's bad.

Eva Beronius:

But if you're looking at this journey and this experience that you're having inside as this inner garden that you are cultivating into something else inner garden that you are cultivating into something else then you're going to grow your self-esteem over time, slowly, by seeing a seed that you planted a few weeks ago and and that you've been tending to and watering and putting in the sunlight, and you'll start seeing it sprout and you're like, wow, something is happening here. But you won't be bummed because, like, oh my God, this is not a big oak tree yet, or it's not an apple tree bearing fruit yet. Like, no, you're growing it over time. You're cultivating this beautiful inner garden and don't you think that in one year, next summer, and in five years and in 10 years, you will be so grateful for the seeds you planted, for the work that you put in, but also the ways that you enjoy that garden as it was growing? So this is a kind of a concept that we work with a lot inside my longer program being me. That is now becoming something else. This is the last time I'm running being Me and being Me and being Me With you.

Eva Beronius:

My two programs are being combined into one and they will be called the Embodied Relationship Academy and we will start the next round in August. So you have chances to hear about this and join if it feels for you. But this is what we do in there. Like you're learning to tend to your inner garden and can you see if you do that over six months instead of this, yeah, idea that I need to fix this problem. You, you're like, no, I'm here learning how to cultivate my inner garden to grow more from love, to grow my self-esteem, to grow my relationship skills, and that is becoming something beautiful over time. And I will be so grateful when these trees that I've been growing and tending to are bearing fruit and I can eat that ripe, juicy mango.

Eva Beronius:

Okay, so if we like take this analogy and we run with it a bit, like you can see that there will be parts of your garden that are already growing beautifully your garden that are already growing beautifully. You know that might be your relationship to a friend or your work or your health or something. And then there are other areas of that garden that feels more barren or is not growing what you want it to grow. There there are more like thorny bushes or something you know like what to do with this, and I want you to just like have a look at like that garden has been grown unconsciously and consciously from experiences that you had and in those experiences, like thoughts and beliefs were planted in the soil of your garden and then they started to grow roots and they started to grow branches and they like became alive in there. And if the garden that you have feel partially not what you want or completely like not the kind of garden that you want to walk around in, then it's just a matter of like uprooting old beliefs, like healing the soil, healing the emotional wounds in there, give it water, give it sunlight and tend to that soil so it's a much more fertile soil for what it is that you want to plant.

Eva Beronius:

So listening to this episode, for example, is one of the ways that you can plant new seeds. You can look at something in the garden that you're like hmm, this is actually not serving me anymore. To believe, to nourish, to cultivate this idea that I need to fix myself Like that isn't something that is serving me. So I get to meet with those parts of me that have been believing that and I get to process those emotions where, like that belief was put in place, like that belief was put in place and now I can actually start cultivating something else. So there are so many ways that you can cultivate and plant new seeds in the air, like plant new seeds and cultivate them into plants and flowers and bushes and trees and all of it.

Eva Beronius:

But just notice what this does to your mindset, to the idea and to your why, because if you're running from a why, that's coming from a protector part that says like we need to fix ourselves or else we'll always be alone, we'll never be loved, we'll always feel this unmet. Now that is a very different experience. When then, like that doesn't happen immediately, you're like, yeah, this is not working and you're actually eroding your self-esteem now because you're not building a self-trust of like this will actually work for me. And now compare that with like, oh, I'm becoming a gardener. It makes sense that I don't yet know so well how to tend to my inner garden, because no one really modeled it to me. This wasn't a subject taught in school. My parents, my caretakers, people around me maybe weren't so good at doing that, so, or maybe I'm good at the mindset part but not the emotional part, or the other way around.

Eva Beronius:

So in that garden, you get to tend to all parts of yourself your nervous system system, your thoughts, your mindset, your emotions and you get to learn how to process unprocessed emotions so that that soil can, instead of like heavy and full of clay, full of water, it gets to like be flushed out and become this beautiful, fertile soil. So this is what I mean when I said in the beginning that, well, this idea of practicing growing your self-esteem like practice, things that grows your self-esteem. Well, it can trickle in here too, right? So if you're thinking to yourself like this needs to go or else, and then that reaction shows up, is that growing your self-esteem or not? So how do you relate to doing your inner work and just start seeing that you have the power to shift that relationship to doing inner work, that relationship to how you look at yourself, so that it is a narrative that helps you and that helps grow your self-esteem instead of the opposite.

Eva Beronius:

And a very simple way to measure this or see if we're kind of off track with ourselves, meaning we're eroding our own self-esteem, is to just imagine that we were to say these things to a child that we're the caretaker for, that we're the parent to, and we're like this is really bad. You're never going to be loved if you keep having these reactions, and I hope this never shows up again. I hope this is done by now. Now imagine that child having an emotional experience and a reaction. Oh my God. Now all these beliefs are associated with having that reaction. Will they grow their self-esteem? No, they won't. They will make themselves wrong for having that experience.

Eva Beronius:

And what was it that they actually needed. They needed someone there to process with, to understand this experience together with, to have it make sense why they are reacting in this way, and guidance to follow that thread and understand what's really going on inside and, like modeled how to be with that experience, how to regulate your nervous system and understand what's going on inside of them when they switch over into survival state and how that kind of wave of emotion will pass through them. So that is how I want you to treat yourself and I want you to tell the stories to yourself that you would have needed growing up, and only you can truly, truly know what that was, that your little whoever Sarah Daniel in there needed to hear. And just to give an example of this, I received an email just a couple of days ago and it said this Eva, I have been listening to your latest podcast series, the one on leading with your heart, and it all finally clicked inside of me. Yes, after the retreats, alchemy beyond the mind being me, this episode put everything together and it has finally clicked inside of me. I'm so excited to continue this work now from a new perspective.

Eva Beronius:

Thank you, and this is often how it goes with this inner work too Like you're finding a piece or you're hearing me or someone else say something right and you're practicing something and it's all a little blurry. You're doing work over here in this corner of the jigsaw puzzle and then over here and then over there, over here in this corner of the jigsaw puzzle, and then over here and then over there, and then like something is connecting all the dots. But again, our minds are often so determined that, like we have to solve this problem and it's solved by this single piece and it looks at things very singular. So again, like tending to your inner world, with a mindset, with narratives that are helpful for you, that are growing your self-esteem, so important. And this email come from someone that has been in my world for a long time, on and off coming into a program and then doing her own work, and then coming to a retreat and doing her own work again. So does that mean that any of that wasn't working? No, it was working and she was experiencing big shifts from it.

Eva Beronius:

But then at some point, all of the work that you've been doing in the garden, all of the sudden, like it's summer and it's blossoming and you're like, wow, all this work that I put in everything that didn't make sense. I didn't know if this rose bush was going anywhere, but here it is. So this why so much more helpful than I have to fix myself. Or else, like the why of tending to your inner garden and the more you tend to it, the more beautiful place will it be to hang out in. I had a client the other day sharing that like, hey, I'm realizing how uncomfortable I feel in my own head, like all the ways I'm making myself wrong, all the ways I stress myself out, all the thoughts that are running in there, and it makes parts of myself feel unsafe. And this is such an important piece to realize and we're going to talk more about that in my upcoming free Relationship Revolution training happening in July. I want you to grow an inner garden where you feel safe, where you grow your self-esteem, where you feel love, and from there now you're going to have very different relationships. So it's about your half and it's about learning the relationship half.

Eva Beronius:

I hope this piece has been helpful. I would invite you to go play with it, like. Invite you to go play with it. Like, where is this impulse of I need to fix myself, I'm broken? Where is that showing up and how can I remind myself that I'm tending to an inner garden? And maybe even what would I do differently if I knew that, if I was coming from that new sense of why, what would I invest my time and attention in? What would I practice? And maybe where would I slow down and not push myself so hard, like it's the long game? What am I doing this week, what am I doing today to tend to that inner garden of love? And you're so welcome to join me in my programs when you want my support, when you want guidance, when you want community, not just more knowledge, but a place, a container, a dojo to do the work in. I hope this has been helpful and I'll talk to you soon.