The Uncover YOU podcast
The Uncover YOU podcast
Ep 184: THE Thing To Practice For Better Relationships
We've all been there wondering: "Am I growing and healing, or just reinforcing old patterns?" Whether you're questioning if you should stay or leave, set boundaries or be understanding, there IS a compass to guide you.
And I tell you all about it in this episode. So that you can practice what truly builds better relationships (to yourself and others).
The path to healthier relationships isn't about following all the social media relationship advice. It's about transforming how you view your challenges. Instead of seeing your attachment insecurities as evidence you've pulled the shortest straw in life, what if they're actually your training ground for becoming exceptional at relationships?
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Welcome back to season three in the Uncover you podcast, where we're doing the relationship revolution, meaning going from feeling like we should fix ourselves, like we've somehow pulled the shortest straw for getting an insecure attachment or having all these experiences and conditioning that have us seemingly, you know, mess things up in relationship or that it makes it really painful, uncomfortable and, you know, just takes a lot of energy to be in relationship. Two, seeing that this is our dojo, that these challenges is actually something that has you grow into becoming maybe a better relationship leader than anyone else. Okay, you're faced with challenges that will have you grow skills and become someone that will be really fucking great at having relationships. So in this episode, I want to bring us into something really important, like, really really important, and it ties into a question that I get a lot about, like when to say and when to go, like, am I overriding my own wantings, my own values, by being in this? Shouldn't I be able to leave right? So the topic that I want to bring us into is how do I know if I'm practicing the right things, if I'm either in the relationship I want to be in or practicing for the relationship I want to be in, maybe like I'm dating someone or I'm on my own, whatever it is, but there's a dojo here of healing emotional wounds but also learning the skills to have the relationship that I want to have, for me to become that relationship right. So how do I know if I'm actually practicing the right things or if I'm just like staying out of a trauma bond or my protector parts find it so painful to leave or let go, or so, when I'm dating this person, how do I know if I'm actually practicing something better, that I'm becoming something more, something beyond these old patterns, or if I'm just repeating patterns and reinforcing them? So so, if that's been you, you've been wondering this just tune in, maybe remove some distractions, because I want to make this super clear and I have, like, this beautiful compass for this. That will make it super simple. Might not be easy, right, but it's going to make things much more simple for you.
Eva Beronius:So, like we've talked about whether you're in a relationship or not, you are practicing becoming more of you. You're practicing getting aligned with everything that you can be. Everything that you are underneath lies about how not lovable you are or how unworthy you are. All these things that's who you're coming home to by shedding these layers, by peeling that onion, and so, whether you're in a relationship or not, you are becoming more of that. If you're willing to, and if you're kind of committed to like no, I don't want to operate from these fearful beliefs about what I should be and what I'm not and what I need to fix in myself and instead like no, I want more of that. I want more of the life that I know is possible for me. I want more of the relationships that I know are possible for me, whether you want to evolve that in a relationship that you're in already or call that in right that you're in already or call that in to create that in your life. So if you're like, yeah, I'm on board with that, I want to be practicing, I want to learn these skills that I wasn't taught growing up, that wasn't modeled to me, then it makes sense that we should know, know, like what are we actually practicing? What's important to practice and not and most of us, me included what I've been doing for most of my life before starting to opening my eyes and shifting this and learning more about nervous system and myself my eyes and shifting this and learning more about nervous system and myself.
Eva Beronius:Most people practice things that comes from the protective layers. The protective layers are trying to avoid a painful experience. So when we think we like, oh, let's go practice something in relationship, it's often driven by this sense of so that I don't have to have this painful situation ever happen again, so I don't have to have my partner shutting down on me or withdrawing, or them being overly demanding of what I should be able to give them and I'm not able to give them that and now I feel less than that. I'm not enough. So often we're trying to compensate for this or try to get out of a painful experience. So, you know, we go take courses or go to a couple's therapy or something and we, you know, we learn nonviolent communication. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but we're doing it from a place so that I don't ever have to feel misunderstood again. Right, I'm going to fix this communication problem so that I don't have to feel like I'm not listened to, not understood, because that's so painful inside of me.
Eva Beronius:Okay, or we learn about boundaries and self-worth and then we start like walking out of dates or relationships and like, no, I like no more of this, but again, there might be truth to it and there might also be simultaneously who knows what the mix is, if it's 70-30 or 50-50, like there might also be a thread of I don't want to have. I don't want to be in this experience when, where someone is not choosing me or where it seems like they're distant. So you know, I'm walking away from that and, like I said, it might be true to that. It might be exactly what you need to practice, but it might also come from a fear of having that experience, because that's so painful inside of you I can't stand it, okay, so how do you know if you're practicing a helpful thing, something that will have you grow? Here's how to tell. And it's not about you should be practice boundaries, or you should be practicing communication skills, or you should be practicing feeling more. You should.
Eva Beronius:Most of us often need to practice feeling more, but in a specific way the embodied feeling of it, right, not the believing in the stories that comes attached to that emotion. But here it is what to practice. We want you to practice growing your self-esteem. Whatever it is that you practice, and for someone it might be in one direction, for some it might be walking away and for someone else it might be staying, and I'll break this down for you. But make this your compass Am I practicing things that are growing my self-esteem? However, self-esteem might not be what you think it is.
Eva Beronius:There's a beautiful book written by Nathaniel Brandon that's called the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, and I was pointed to this book by Annie Lala, who speaks about it a lot, and in this book, nathaniel Brandon talks about self-esteem as two things Like. Self-esteem happens from two things and I think you'll recognize this Because it's what we talk about in this podcast and have for a long time the experience of being competent to cope with life challenges, to cope, to be in any experience that kind of life throws at you. And the second is being worthy of happiness. That's how you grow your self-esteem Feeling like you're being worthy of happiness rather than, oh, who am I? And this might be subtle, you might have shadow parts right. That is resisting that happiness.
Eva Beronius:Or, you know, believe that you're unworthy and you're acting and behaving and stepping into relationships in a way that sends that signal all the time. Or maybe you believe that, believe that no life is supposed to be a struggle. Even if it's unconscious, you're like there for the next fight, for the next challenge, for so like, is there an innate belief that I'm worthy of happiness? Of course, I want what's good for me and then being able to cope with life, and for me, this goes so much more into. Whatever's happening around you is one thing, but then what is happening inside of you? What's your emotional response, your reaction to this? And that's often what we cannot cope with. Okay, someone passed away, someone left us. There was was a betrayal. What emotions does that bring up in you and what is that you can't like? Stand in that. So, to grow your self-esteem.
Eva Beronius:Well, good news if you've been listening to this podcast, if you're in my programs, you're well on the way to grow your self-esteem. So now, if we look at this, what are you practicing? You can say that practicing staying in a situation that might feel uncomfortable and might feel like I'm not getting what I want might be exactly what will grow your self-esteem when you do it with awareness, because you're learning to cope with that experience. But if you're doing it in a way where there's a downward spiral right, and you just feel more and more unworthy and more and more like you're losing trust in yourself and you know what you're worthy of and if you're able to change this or set boundaries for yourself because you're constantly like doubting yourself, then no, then you're not practicing the helpful things. But can you see that this has less to do with what's actually going on outside of you and more to do with how you, your perspective, how you choose to tackle this, like where you're doing the practicing from?
Eva Beronius:So let's look at like some different examples because, like I said, it might be different in different situations and it might be different for different people, because we all need to practice different things. Someone might be really good at bringing up anger and like having those boundaries and walking away, but what's been suppressed or pushed down into the shadow is more like the softening and the being vulnerable and actually sharing about the pain underneath. So we keep repeating the same pattern of being really good at walking away, but we don't have the other side. We don't know how to do that. So for more freedom and for more self-esteem and for coping with different aspects of life, you often need to practice the other end of the spectrum that you aren't so practiced in, and this is also part of why we seem to attract people that behave differently from us Because there might be something to learn from them and how they do things, and it might seem like they're on the other extreme end of the scale and you're just trying to pull them over to your end because it's way better there. But actually what you're both here to do is to teach each other things and you can both learn from each other.
Eva Beronius:So say that you're having an experience, like you're in a relationship and you don't feel met there. Feel met there and say that in example one, you're telling yourself a victim story about this. Oh, this means they're not choosing me. This means I'm not standing up for myself. This is, this means I'm abandoning myself by staying in this relationship. So you're telling yourself a victim story. Okay, oh my God, this is terrible. I'm not there yet. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't attract these kinds of people. Okay, but see that you could actually flip this story and I'm not saying that either of these are like true or false. It's just that you could turn it into a fruitful, practicing experience.
Eva Beronius:But just by flipping the story, you could say in scenario B, you might take ownership. You're like hmm, I'm the collaborator, I'm the co-creator of this experience. The other person have their half and I have my half and we're together creating this dance, we're collaborating on this. So in the second scenario, you could take ownership and say wow, this is a fascinating experience for me to have because it's a reflection of something I need to see in sight so you could practice things in there. You could practice observing more of your patterns, you could practice regulating your nervous system so that these situations where you don't feel met doesn't feel so dangerous anymore. You can learn to meet your own needs and meet with parts of yourself so that they start feeling safe, no matter what the other person is doing. And, of course, paradoxically enough, when you start doing this, also, the external dynamic have the opportunity to change. I don't say that that's what will happen, but now it's a possibility and I see it's happening again and again and again and experience it for myself.
Eva Beronius:So you can either be in that experience and say this is terrible and it means this, this and this about me, about them, about this relationship, or you could step in it, ask the dojo and like, hmm, actually this is my chance to see this, to shift it, to change it, and I'm not at all telling you to stay in an abusive situation, then it might be the other thing that you need to practice, right. But even then it can be hard to step out of it. That's why it's hard to step out of it, because there's an internal conflict, right? So even then we often need to see what's going on. But you know I'm not telling you to do self-harm in your dojo.
Eva Beronius:So another example you're in a relationship and there's an affair. The other person had an affair. They've been intimate with someone else and that wasn't your agreement. You were in a monogamous relationship. You were committed to each other. The other person broke that agreement and broke that Trust.
Eva Beronius:So again from this one scenario, for person A, it might be that they need to walk away. They're like that's what I need to practice because I've always stayed and walking away with that. I mean not even saying like it might be like to create distance, to step away and like, oh, I have autonomy here, I have agency, I can create distance. I don't have to cling harder to this person and try to have them love me or make this right. I can create space instead and say like, oh, I need to process this and be with myself. And for person B, they might need to face, like the emotions of betrayal they have carried their whole life. This might be something that allows for that deep wound to come up, something that was unprocessed and now it has the opportunity to be processed. So for them it might be so fruitful to stay in the face of this and hear about it and like, grow their capacity to be with an experience like this, and that's how their self-esteem will grow, because they have now practiced coping with something that they weren't able to cope with before. But can you hear the difference of just like staying in something and being beaten down by it and facing something, being in something and growing from it, rising like the phoenix from the ashes of this? And then person C might need something completely different or a mix of these. So it's to find out like what is it that I can practice in this situation that will actually grow my self-esteem and that isn't like a skill that I already have?
Eva Beronius:I think that Jung has been said to have said there is no difficulty that does not stem from ourselves. We are our own difficulty, and this is kind of what I'm pointing to here. Whatever's happening around you is your opportunity to see something inside and grow your capacity to be and move with that experience. Move through that experience in a way that grows your self-esteem, in a way that has you grow as a person, in a way that has you becoming more of who you can be. So my invitation for you is that you make this your compass. Am I practicing things that are growing my self-esteem? Meaning either makes me cope with things inside of me so that I feel confident and proud of myself, like yeah, I moved through that in a good way, like, wow, yeah, I could really hold myself through that difficult moment.
Eva Beronius:And that doesn't mean to make it perfect, right. For some of us it might mean making a mess because we're so good at trying to make it perfect we're very well practiced in that and we might need to go in the opposite direction. That's why I, inside of alchemy and in my programs like, you'll hear me give different suggestions, guidance, to different people in the same situation, because it all depends on what pattern they are in, what their protector parts have set up as their survival strategy. Okay, and this is so much to the core of why surface level relationship or dating advice don't work. Because if you look at it this way, like these Instagram posts or something. That is like staying with a person that doesn't choose you means XYZ right. It means you're not choosing yourself.
Eva Beronius:Great Might be true I'm not saying that that's not true but it's like taking someone's important insights in one chapter of their journey and making it a rule of thumb for everyone. And your journey is unique and you're going to need to learn different things in different chapters on that journey. So to just have like an insight and like, oh my God, this is what I need to practice. This is what I've been missing. I really need to like walk away from people who are not choosing me If that was an important insight and that was something you needed to practice to then apply that to everything in your life and in other people's lives and say, like this is what you need to do, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. It might very well be something that's, you know, many people needed to hear. In that moment, it's like, yeah, that's the piece that I needed, but it can't be, you know, be made as a rule of thumb for everything and how we should navigate life. You're missing out on your unique journey that way. So this is so much at the heart of the relationship revolution that I want to invite you into and I can't wait to share more around this.
Eva Beronius:And in the next episode I'll take you even deeper into my own process and things that I'm practicing right now and how I practice growing my own self-esteem in these ways. So go, have fun with this, reflect on it like, ah, where am I and how can I, in the situation that I am right now, maybe flip the story to take on the challenge and grow from the lessons that I'm learning? Oh, I'm actually learning to cope, to regulate my nervous system, to be in the midst of this emotion, to process it, to heal this wound. Or I'm practicing like I'm worthy of being happy by stepping into this or walking away from that. So track this a bit Are you practicing growing things that are growing your self-esteem or not? Things that are growing your self-esteem or not? Hope this helps and gives you a new perspective and compass in how you're moving through the relationship situations, the dating situations, all the relationships in your life, and I can't wait to share more in the next episode. See you there.