The Uncover YOU podcast
Guiding you to shift reactive patterns so you can experience the YOU underneath conditioning and finally feel secure and connected in relationships. Your host is Eva Beronius - Love Coach, transformational teacher and founder of Embodied Self Mastery.
The Uncover YOU podcast
Ep 183: My Crazy Episode - and What You Can Learn From It
Ready to transform your relationship triggers into pathways for healing? Join me in this episode to discover how your "crazy" moments are your greatest teachers on the journey to secure connection.
Welcome to the Relationship Revolution, where we're flipping the script on emotional triggers in relationships. Your nervous system activation isn't a failure—it's a pathway leading to your core wounds and deepest desires when you learn to follow it down rather than manage it away.
In this episode, I walk you through my own triggering moment and how I transformed into gold. You get to meet my three parts:
- an anxious little girl needing reassurance
- a "go-getter" needing new leadership
- a sensual "lover" needing freedom of expression
By meeting these needs myself rather than demanding someone else fulfill them, I build self-esteem instead of diminishing it.
The difference between emotionally mature and immature relationships isn't the absence of conflict—it's how you move through it together. Conflict either becomes a doorway to deeper intimacy or a cycle of pain, depending on your capacity to hold yourself through it.
Ready to revolutionize your approach to relationships?
Save the date for the Relationship Revolution free training beginning July 10th, followed by the Embodied Relationship Academy where you'll practice these skills in a supportive community.
Let's grow together into the relationship leaders we're capable of becoming.
Have you ever experienced that wave of reactions and push and pull inside of you in relation to someone else? Maybe someone you're dating, maybe someone you're in a relationship with might go in the direction of? I have to speak up about this, we have to have a conversation, we have to figure this out or I have to end this. I have to get out of this now. This is not working. They're clearly not the right person for me. And this might go on for a while, for a couple of days, maybe even for weeks, who knows and how.
Eva:You either get swept away in this and you're like completely believing it, or you try to manage it, to like keep it under control, let's not overreact. But it comes creeping out sideways and once this wave is over, you're kind of left confused and wondering like what happened? Oh my god? You might feel a little embarrassed and a little ashamed. And now that you feel more grounded, it doesn't seem as serious or as big as it did. And now you might feel a little confused about like how can I trust myself when it feels so urgent? And if you've listened to this podcast before, you know that we talk about triggers and nervous system activation. But what I'm talking about here is almost like this longer storm that is going on for a while and that you really get into.
Eva:And in this episode I want to show you how you use this wave this crazy that I jokingly lovingly call it and find the gold in it, because, contrary to what I used to think and believe, it's a sign of maturity that you can hold yourself and move through it. I used to think that in a good relationship, or if I'm healed enough, this wouldn't show up. That couldn't be further from the truth. As you keep growing and evolving and as your nervous system keeps like coming up against new edges and you might move into new relationships and have new reflections and mirrors, or your current relationship moves into a next stage, like a new phase, you will be faced with new limitations or places in yourself that you haven't visited or felt into, rooms that's been locked. So it's not about not having these kinds of frictions and inner conflicts show up, it's about how you move through them. So I want to encourage you to think about it that way, not to see it as you're not there yet, you're not healed, you're broken, you're not ready to have a relationship yet, and instead start practicing, getting really good at using your crazy to find the gold. And then if you're someone that's experiencing a lot of crazy, a lot of friction, a lot of reaction, a lot of survival state, just imagine how good you're going to get at the capacity to move through this because you're getting a lot of practice experience. So come, join the relationship revolution.
Eva:Okay, where we're going from the sense of it's only people with secure attachment or people that have it all figured out, they can't have relationship and I'm not there yet and I'm not healed yet and instead looking at yourself as someone who's going to grow so much of your capacity because you're in this dojo of this current nervous system that you have and past, and that you're going to get so good at loving yourself through all of that, so you'll become a freaking master of relationships because of it, because you're able to lead yourself through it, and I think you just need some handholding and some guidance to do that, so that you direct your attention in the right ways and let go of some old lies. So that's why I call the relationship revolution and that's really what we're diving into here in the season three of the Uncover you podcast, and if you didn't listen to the last episode with the intro, where I talk more about this. Please do so. But in this episode I want to share how I don't try to avoid and manage my crazy, but I follow it down into a core wound so I can heal it, or maybe into a core desire, something in me that hasn't gotten to express, that wants to come out and play, that I've been pushing down and denying, and I'm going to share openly about one of my you know, previous or just recent experiences in a relationship situation, so that you can see that this is the practice, this is the dojo that we're all moving through and no one is excluded from this, not even your relationship gurus or whatever. It is Like when you're in a human, physical body that has been through certain things, conditioned in certain ways, have had certain impactful emotional experiences. This is what you get to play with and there's nothing wrong with you for having these experiences and you're not disqualified in having relationships. You just get to practice it.
Eva:Okay, so, like I talked about, like that crazy episode I lovingly call it that right, but it's that nervous system activation that goes on for a while and starts spinning in all kinds of directions and stories and like I have to do something about this and it means this and it means that about them, and ah, and something just needs to be done right. And it's funny because that word crazy has maybe more commonly been attributed to women or connected with women. But I truly and deeply believe and see our crazy just showing up in different genders, in different people differently. Up in different genders in different people differently. So while crazy for one person might look like big reactive state where all of this like fear and protection is coming out, is being expressed out, and for some it might be withdrawal right and going into your cave and not wanting to connect with anyone, that's also a kind of crazy. It's just that often one has been favored or preferred over others and this is also the kind of polarization or this war against each other that I want to take us out of so that we can start understanding each other that we're all in a very similar experience of feeling unsafe in relationships. Even if we don't rationally would agree with that. Your little animal body and your nervous system will feel unsafe in certain situations because that's just how it was conditioned, that's what it experienced and we need to start embracing this meaning we need to start knowing how to guide our little animal body through all of these experiences so we can get better at relationships, so we can have a better world, so that our children can grow up in different kinds of families.
Eva:So, like I said, it is a sign of maturity to know how to move through something like this inside of you, how to move through something like this inside of you, and it helps you move through conflict in a relationship. Again, a good relationship is not like the lack of having these kinds of frictions coming up. It's rather so that in a securely or emotionally mature relationship, that in a securely or emotionally mature relationship, that friction or that trigger might show up as many times in a month as it did in the insecure or in the emotionally more immature relationship. But the difference is how you're capable to move through it. So are you growing from it? Are you finding new ways of relating to each other and allow that to deepen the intimacy, or are you spinning either down into that hurt and pain that you're experiencing or being taken away by the protective mechanisms? So I think those are the differences. It's not so much that conflict, friction, reaction don't show up, it's just how are you able to move through it and, in a way, the more you're able to move through it, there's less charge to having conflict. There's less charge to having, whether it's your own right internal conflict or it's something in the dynamic between the two of you.
Eva:So, whether you're in a relationship right now, or you're dating or wanting a relationship, spending time with yourself, you can practice this in whatever situation you are in, and I strongly believe that you either are in your rest of your life relationship or you're practicing for it. If you're someone who wants a relationship and often the people that show up to me and do this work do want a relationship, have a longing for it and, like I talked about in the intro in the last episode, that's not the definition of life, right, that's not like what you have to have. I strongly believe that you're on your own life path and if you want something else than that, that's completely fine. But it's also important to be honest with our desire if we do want that, so either in your rest of your life relationship or practicing for it if you want a relationship, so I've been in a practice connection for some months now and with someone truly magnificent and incredible, an incredible man, and I don't know yet if that is going into the next level or if that connection will deepening into more.
Eva:But before I know or I know, I'm here showing up the way that I want to. I'm here practicing, I'm here fumbling around and then finding my footing again and like what are my values? How do I want to show up? How can I hold my half of that beautiful connection, relationship that I want, even if they are not showing up that way, or even if I'm not, even if I'm not sure if I want it with them right? So where I want to drop you into this journey is like how do you use your current situations to heal your half? How do you use your current situationships, dating experiences, long-term partnership to clear old patterns and align with what you really desire?
Eva:Because this is the piece that we're often missing. We're like, oh my god, I have this emotional wound that I need to heal, but often what it's pointing to is a desire, a wanting, a underneath, which is a beautiful thing that needs to come up in relationship because it's going to just bring more nourishment, it's going to bring more fulfillment to your life, to the relationship. So I'm going to walk you through a situation where my crazy showed up, okay, where I started spiraling in all kinds of directions, and how I used it to identify something really important for me, and I'll kind of walk you through what tools I used and how I've grown the skill to do this, which I didn't used to, okay, 10 years back, 20 years back, this was what would have my relationships not go further or deeper. So, just for you to know that growing this skill is so worth it and it will make you ready for your next level relationship, whether that is within your current one or in a new one. So let's start. I first want to bring you through the timeline, the events, very just quickly, and then we'll dive into what I've found in there, very just quickly, and then we'll dive into what I found in there.
Eva:So what happened was one I started feeling a lot of desire and connection in this relationship. I started like really liking him and I noticed that my desire got activated, like, oh, I want to do this. I want to go on a road trip. I want to. I want to do this with. I want to go on a road trip. I want to do this with him. I want to spend more time, I want to have this kind of sex, I want to like just the desire. Like came alive. So, practicing in my little dojo, I started sharing what I wanted to do together and I got this beautiful invitation to do that. So I was like ooh, and it really came alive. I expressed it. I got a very positive response. There was like some excitement and there was a sense of like ah, this might really be going somewhere, like a sense of that something was opening up in this connection, in this relationship. So that was the first thing that happened. Second, now I wanted to know what he wanted and liked. So to like practice this and and get to know him and maybe like yeah, just just feeling what he wanted in this. I asked him, like which were your three favorites of what I shared? It's like I wanted that reflection back, to get to know him better and like understand how he was feeling and thinking around this Three communication skills kind of paused or stopped. I didn't hear anything back. He didn't really respond to that and for various reasons that I know about today, but that was what happened.
Eva:Step four reaction, starts happening. Right, there's anger, there's hurt, there's shame underneath. How could he right? I opened up and was so vulnerable about all of this, and now this is happening, and there was like assumptions and stories about that, how this was done from ignorance or egotism or not caring for my needs and he's not this or that right that we all know so well. The blaming, like ah. And when this had gone on for a little while, there was a sense of like this is so, like I need to speak up about this. I'm reaching a limit. This doesn't feel good, right, limit. This doesn't feel good, right.
Eva:So then the last step that happened here um, in this timeline is in this chain of events that then could bring me into the gold was that I sent him a text and this was maybe after I don't remember exactly, but like maybe 24 or 48 hours, where I'm like, hey, like what happened here, I asked you this and no reply and I feel vulnerable, having shared all this and like what happened. So, after this chain of events, inner turmoil, so I moved through those pretty quickly, right, these five steps from feeling the desire and sharing it and then asking and not hearing back, the reaction, anger, hurt, shame, and then sending him the text. What happened After this chain of events inner turmoil. I can feel a lot of discomfort, I can feel inner conflict. There's, yeah, really turmoil, like a little storm inside and I'm not clear about yet. Like what is this? What's happening, what's going on. So I sat down in the middle of the storm, right?
Eva:So this skill is really important to grow, to be able to do this, to be in discomfort for you, to regulate your nervous system enough so that you can just sit and feel this and observe all of this without being identified with it. And all of these skills is what I teach you and have you embodiedly practice inside of my program Alchemy, right With the four pillars. So I sat down and you don't have to sit down. You know that, right, sitting down is this expression where you become present. You can do that during a walk. You can lay down, you can stand up whatever you need. But it's a sense of like, hey, let me sit with you around the table and just see and notice what's here instead of running, instead of running with you or try to, um, oppose you, okay, so this kind of two strong forces in there, because I didn't have it yet figured out and I wasn't in a rush to have that like what are the parts and what's really going on.
Eva:But I felt two strong forces that came with beliefs and I could feel how they were almost like an opposition. There was an inner conflict within them or between them. So the first one, it was pulling towards the other person and it strongly believed that the solution is in the connection or in the other. Like any solution to get free from pain or discomfort or whatever it is, it needs to happen over there with them. So the focus, the attention is on them, it's reaching out towards them, like we need to have a conversation, I have to make them understand. They have to meet the need, and I'm only going to find peace of mind and feel better if it's happening over there right with them, if they are meeting this.
Eva:This is, of course, like now. We'll comment here on this. This is, of course, a very common thing for our own inner child to experience right, because it had that experience being very young with the caretakers. So it doesn't know, and it shouldn't know, how to regulate, how to hold themselves through an experience like this. It depends on mother, father, caretakers to do that for them. Hold me, please, right. So there's nothing wrong with that. It just points to a child in us that we need to take care of, that, we need to parent. Okay, and yeah, I'll leave it at that for now and we'll dive more into it. So that was the first strong force that I realized that I could recognize as I sat down with this like it's pulling towards the other. It needs to be solved over there. They need to meet this need or else I don't know how to survive or feel better.
Eva:The second strong force was kind of in opposition with in this, saying I've overreacted, like this is a strong, this was a strong reaction and I shouldn't have expressed it. Okay, I'm not going to be liked, I need to apologize Like very strong, like, oh my God, what have you done? Almost embarrassment and shame, right. And and the way I really recognized it was that a part didn't dare to go back and read the texts that I sent this person. It's like it was so embarrassed oh my God, how could I do that thing? How could I send a text from this state, right? So, and the funny part here and a little common, is that when finally reading the text back, it was way less reactive or quote unquote bad than my parts thought there was nothing in there. It was a very clear question. I'm like, hey, I experienced this and I just like what happened. You got quiet and I thought you enjoyed this conversation and then it stopped. So, reading them back, I couldn't even sense a sense of reaction in them, so it was funny that parts were thinking that it was terrible.
Eva:Okay, so now, having seen this already, things are slowing down. Right, because I'm observing okay, here are the big forces, so now I let this settle, and I probably just let this settle for like 24 hours or something, and then what I could start seeing now, with a little more perspective, 24 hours later, I could see some more things. I could see that, oh, in this state, I start forgetting what I want and I try to get the other to be different. Right, oh, you need to do this or you should have done that, and I move my attention away from. Oh, I move my attention away from ah, what I want is this, my desire is this, and I become very focused on what the other person is doing. And secondly, I think they need to give me something to be happy. Right, for me to be happy, it needs to come from them and you need to do this or else okay.
Eva:And also something that I noticed that all of the sudden I'm like kind of chasing this person that I that I'm not even sure is, um, a person to go into deeper relationship with. Yet I'm here, but now I'm chasing him ass Like I need you to love me Well. Well, hold on, do I, do I really? So there's a sense of like chasing and think I need to cling and make things right instead of like letting go Meaning okay, this situation came up now and oh, meaning okay, this situation came up now and let's see where it unfolds. And instead, okay, we need to make this right, without really knowing what right is or where that will lead, or if I even want it to lead that way. So part of me forgets that like resting in myself and all the love and the pleasure and the desires that I have. It's like that's the home base, which, again, all of these things so understandable, and I'm having a lot of compassion as I'm observing this right, because I understand that it's coming from nervous system, response and younger parts of me.
Eva:Okay, so now, after having seen this moving through the whole chain of events or reaction, feeling the crazy, and then letting it settle for 24 hours, seeing some more things like what's really going on here? What do I do with all of this? How do I use this now to start meeting some needs inside of me, start shifting some old lies and beliefs about my worthiness or who I am in relationship and all of these things, so. So I use, now that I've done, kind of pillar one from alchemy. I'm regulating my nervous system. Okay, we feel safer now. We're okay, we're starting to observing things instead of running with them, right. Then I use pillar two and three to shift out of identification, which already had started to happen. But now I'm turning towards.
Eva:So again, I'm sitting down and I'm like observing and asking who's there, who are the parts that are running these stories, that are believing this, that are feeling this? And what I found are three distinct parts in here and I want to share them with you because maybe it helps you. It doesn't mean that those are the same parts that might be active for you, but just for you to listen to a process like this. So the first part I found was an anxious little girl and she thinks she's terrible. She feels very embarrassed about acting out in any emotional where she's not in control, where it just comes kind of exploding out, even if it's within her, even if it's inside of her, even if it hasn't even come out over anyone else, right? If it hasn't even come out over anyone else, right? And she's carried this belief that, oh my God, I'm like my mom, I'm reacting like mom did and we didn't like that. And now I'm reacting the same way, right? And she feels like she's not loved and she's not going to be loved this way, and that she's done something wrong, and especially that she's not loved when she's done something wrong. And especially that she's not loved when she's done something wrong, meaning reacting, acting out from emotion. So turning towards also means meeting a need and I call this turning towards because we're so used to turning away meaning rejecting that part and saying, well, okay, so now I know you grow up or something. Okay, now I can move on. But there's actually an unmet need in this part.
Eva:So what was it that this little girl never got to hear growing up and that I, as her inner leader, caretaker, can let her know? And what I found that she needed to hear was this you didn't do anything wrong. Anger tells you something about your needs. It's good that it shows up so that you know you can say what you want without hurting others. There are other ways of of of sharing what you want than what you've seen, and we're going to practice them and you're loved. I know how alone and scared you have felt and you have help. You get to bring what's important to you in relationships with others and it's valuable to others. It's not a burden. They want all of you here. I want all of you here. So that's what I found that my little girl really needed to hear and I had a moment with her sitting with her feeling that, and she got to release her emotions and feel things around that and some tears of relief in that. So we went into pillar four of embodied feeling in there, right, okay?
Eva:Second part out of three that I found was this in the moment I called it a go-getter, and it doesn't really matter what you call these parts. Call them something that connects with them or something or a name that they want to give to themselves. Right, I called it a go-getter because it was someone that was like okay, let's go fix this, let's go solve this, let's go out there and get this done. And it came with this strong sense of let's fix this now, like we have to reach out, we have to send a text, we have to call them, we have to make ourselves understood. And it really tries to get things from people also who it doesn't care if others can't give it. It's just trying to get out there and get it from whoever, and it tends to forget what we really want. It starts running on like very single focus we need to get this from them without checking in. Well, is that really like, is a deeper connection here really what we want? Is that? Is it?
Eva:So this part needed to hear other things, right? So I sat down with this part and I really listened to what it never had heard. What, yeah, the lies that it was believing and the kind of truth and more loving message that it needed and it was. There are other ways of getting what you need. It doesn't have to happen out there and come from another person. We're safe. I got us and it's safe to let go. It's safe to let things be and unfold the way they unfold, and there is power in resting in this love and turn on inside and the right people respond to the love that I have, the love that we have here inside. You don't have to try and go get it. Okay, it's right here, and people will come feel drawn to that. So, same thing there. Now, that part felt safer because it's like hearing a different way forward. I showed up as an inner leader with it. It's like, oh, I'm starting to trust your leadership here. Okay, okay, I'm listening, and it's being mentored into a different experience.
Eva:And then, lastly, the last part that I found was a part that I called the lover, and the lover just longs to share love with someone who appreciates it. She wants to be savored and experienced and enjoyed. She's very sensual and she wants to be ravished and opened and she loves to play in polarity and she loves the masculine, she loves loving on the masculine and she loves his attention. She's just like, oh, let's, you know, let's come play here, let's be in this beautiful juicy thing. And now, why are you pulling away? And aha, so what I found that she needed was to actually like, have some attention and free expression and come out and play.
Eva:And I realized, oh, I haven't let her come out and play for a while and I've kind of been sitting here waiting for someone to invite her to come play or be ready for her to come out and play, and it's like, well, that's not okay, I need to take responsibility for her. So what did I do to meet this need? Well, I let her come out and play, I went out, I put on something nice that felt good. I went out to one of my favorite places and I flirted and got some attention and I just let her come out and express and she was really longing for orgasms, so I made sure that she got some of those too. And then it was like, ah, okay, there it is, this is what we were trying to get, okay, and I was kind of trying to get that in the in the connection.
Eva:But when the others weren't ready or open for it, all these other parts come out. Right, oh, my god, we're not loved. Uh, what's wrong? And um, everything kind of yeah escalated or or spiraled from there with all these other parts. So once this need was met, everyone more happy and fulfilled and they're like, not just for the moment fulfilled and having their needs met, but they've now, these inner parts had the experience of moving through this and coming out stronger. They had built their self-esteem instead of lowering it. Okay, instead of like, oh my God, what's wrong with us for feeling this way and we totally screwed this up, it's like no, we've built confidence, we'll build self-esteem by moving through it, and they feel a little more proud of themselves, right, and they know that there's nothing wrong with the experiences they're having.
Eva:So that's how I moved through this episode of a wave of crazy and what I found, which was gold. It taught me about parts of me. It taught me what situations might feel scary in relationship and where I need to hold myself in a lot of more love and compassion, right? It also taught me that, okay, I have this part that really wants to come out and play and if I'm just sitting around and waiting for someone else to invite, I'm just gonna. That's not gonna be good, because I'm gonna come at them with this energy of like you have to fulfill this in me or else. So let me make sure that I'm meeting this need inside of me, whether someone else is there to meet it and want to play with it or not. Like, I don't want that to be conditioned and depending on someone else. So I learned a lot from moving through this.
Eva:And this is exactly what you need to practice to move through conflict and friction in your relationship. To move through an inner friction and a conflict like this inside of you, because now you're able to hold your half in a relationship and move through it, and when the friction is happening between the two of you, you have better capacity to like, be in that experience, breathe through it and find the gold. Because it's through the friction and the conflict that more intimacy, more learning about each other, more opening up, learning about our needs, needs that we might not even know that we had. But now, because you're here in front of me, you're reflecting something back to me and I'm seeing it, I'm feeling it now. Okay, so relationship will bring up your deepest, darkest shit. Okay, that reflection, that mirror in front of you, it will bring up things and I'm not saying that that's the standard, how it should be all the time. No, the positive, or the wins, the outcome of all of that, the beauty, needs to outweigh the frustration, the suffering, the friction. Okay. So it needs to grow into something.
Eva:Okay, and in a secure, emotionally mature relationship, you're able to move through, to grow from it, while in an emotional, more immature relationship. You're spiraling in the pain or avoiding those situations in protection mechanisms. And this can show up in many different ways. Right, we might go into victim, like, oh, could you do that to me so that we don't have to face our own responsibility? It can be withdrawal and rejection, like, oh, you're always bringing this crazy, why do you have to bring all the drama and like putting it all on the other person instead of taking our responsibility for our half in the dynamic and dare to look at that and stand in that and like, move through it together. So it's very unfair to put the drama on the other person, because withdrawal and rejection is also a type of drama. It's, um, it's very much like an incapacity to be strong and solid and move through the friction and instead we're trying to escape it. We don't dare to go into that storm and see what that will bring up inside of us.
Eva:So, while a lot of dating and kind of relationship advice out there often tends to be singular, leave, say this, set the boundary. You know, holding yourself through all kinds of experiences is super beneficial for your growth and learning. That doesn't mean I'm not saying lay flat and be in any kind of emotionally abusive or physically abusive or whatever it is situation that you don't want to be in. Let it inform your wantings and your desires and have that grow and become clearer, and in some of the coming episodes I will talk more about this. Like what is it that you actually need to practice? When are you staying in a situation that isn't for you? When are you practicing the wrong things? When are you practicing things that are not growing your self-esteem and you're thinking that you're practicing but you're actually just staying in things that are not beneficial. So tune in next week for an episode on what you quote unquote should be practicing when you know you're practicing things that are making you grow, versus when you're practicing things that you actually want less of.
Eva:So I hope that this has been helpful. It's definitely been fun for me to open up also around my own relationship connection experiences and share this honestly about it, and I hope that that helps you take away I don't know some kind of pressure, pedestalling of like I'm not there yet. We're all there, all your favorite relationship coaches, teachers, gurus out there. This is what they are doing. Okay, there's nothing wrong with you for having reactions, for having activation, for having your crazy show up. It's your willingness and capacity to move through that and not beat yourself down about it, but to become that inner leader and caretaker where you're moving through it and growing your self-esteem from it. Thank you for listening. We'll talk again next week.