The Uncover YOU podcast
Guiding you to shift reactive patterns so you can experience the YOU underneath conditioning and finally feel secure and connected in relationships. Your host is Eva Beronius - Love Coach, transformational teacher and founder of Embodied Self Mastery.
The Uncover YOU podcast
Ep 201: She Stopped Being Afraid to Lose Him — And Their Relationship Changed
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Your relationship isn’t “making you crazy” but it might be revealing the exact places you’ve been abandoning yourself. We’re joined by Jane, who shares what happened after she left a decades-long marriage, fell deeply in love again, and suddenly found herself flooded with triggers, anxiety, and the kind of emotional whiplash that makes you question your judgment.
We cover what made her move from constantly looking to her partner for proof that she was loved to finding that security inside herself. We talk about the tug-of-war between stay or leave, what happened when she finally faced her fear of losing him, and how that changed what she was willing to ask for—and the relationship itself.
A beautiful, honest look at what doing your half actually looks like in a real relationship. Not never getting triggered again, but no longer letting those triggers run your choices, your relationship, or your life.
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Mexico February
Arriving In The Body Together
SPEAKER_03There we go. Yeah. Taking a little moment. Just landing here in the space together. Slowly let our attention just drop into our bodies. Finding that home and that we get to speak from what's true, what's felt. Nothing needs to be fabricated in the mind or sound good or make sense. It's just being with what is take a little moment to also feel into how it feels good for you for me to be here today. Still resting there, opening our eyes from there. That was good. Yeah, it helps, right? Like, oh, what am I doing here? What feels important? Yeah. Well.
Meeting Jane And Naming The Journey
SPEAKER_03Hi Jane, and welcome to the Uncover You podcast. Thank you. You've been in my world for for some time now, so it feels really exciting to bring you onto the podcast because I've followed you right from day one. And I've I remember some of the questions you came in to the programs with in the beginning. And I've just like seen you, witnessed you, and and been supporting you on this journey. And I think where you are right now, which is not in any means the end of the journey, because the journey doesn't end until we, you know, close our eyes and take our last breath here on this earth. But but yeah, I I wanted to hear you talk a little bit more about like the shifts and experiences that that you've had. So, first of all, just thank you for your openness and and the willingness to do that.
SPEAKER_00Oh, you're very welcome. I've I listened a lot to the podcast before I uh signed up with you. So this feels like uh real privilege to be actually on it. It's uh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, does that feel like a almost like a strange moment of like I've listened so much to this podcast and now I'm on it? Yeah, it does a little bit. Oh my goodness, me, I'm on now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Reality has shifted, yeah. Yeah, it's almost like I'm watching myself, like, oh look at you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Right. So so tell me a little bit about that time, if you remember it. Like, where were you at? What were the like questions you were wrestling with or the experience that felt like so painful or frustrating for you when you started doing this work when you found me?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think
After Divorce A New Love Triggers
SPEAKER_00so. I had come out of a uh 30-year marriage. Um, and I think emotionally that marriage had been quite dead in a way, and I just sort of got on with my life and did lot, I had done lots of self-development, spiritual work, counseling, therapy, because in the past I have had um anxiety and depression, and so I'd worked a lot on myself, and I was like, Yeah, I'm good, and and even though it was terrifying to leave that relationship, I'd I'd left and I was like, Yeah, I'm you know, and then kind of a year and a half like after that, I met my current partner, and oh my god, like stuff was just coming up left, right, and center. I was just getting triggered, I was, you know, in a terrible state, and the relationship was like on, off, on, off. And everyone was like, What are you doing? And I'm like, What am I doing? And what's happened to me? Um, like I felt like all my stuff was coming back up again, and I was like, I've dealt with this, what's happening? And I didn't, I kind of was like, Okay, so now I've got to leave the relationship, and then I would be like drawn back in again and be like, No, it's okay. And then something would happen, and I just felt out of control, completely out of control of my emotions, of my world. Like, my world just I felt like I was being dragged along in this turmoil, and it was kind of really difficult. And I started, I was thinking, am I losing my mind? Am I losing my judgment? And I think people around me were worried that I was kind of in this situation, and why didn't I just leave this relationship? Because it was clearly not good for me, but yeah, actually, I loved this person so much, and it was so hard to leave, and I didn't want to leave. And so um it was yeah, it was tough, it was a really tough time. Yeah, um, and I think I you know saw you on Facebook and I was like, she's she's talking to me. She's she's like she's sort of kind of explaining what I'm going through. You know, like you understood what I was going through because at the time I was very bemused by the whole thing. So um, yes, and as of listening to your podcast, and I really heard you talking to other people in it, and I was like really, really taken with the way you were um working with people. And then I joined Alchemy, I took the leap.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And how was that then? Like, what started to happen when you stepped
Not Crazy Finding The Right Help
SPEAKER_03into alchemy and started working with these reactions and all the like the inner turmoil and all the feelings that came up in this relationship that maybe you hadn't felt before in a previous relationship. So it's like, what did you discover when you joined alchemy?
SPEAKER_00Um I think it it's interesting looking back because it was a process. Um, initially it was just like I felt like I was in the right place because one you were kind of describing my experience and understanding, and then there were other people who were like having similar kind of experiences. So I think initially I was just like, I am not mad, I am not crazy, this is a thing, this is happening. So it gave me that feeling of oof, okay, so I'm in the right place, and just a bit of reassurance initially that oh, I can work through this.
SPEAKER_03Um, there's nothing wrong with me for the with this happening, it's it's something that is very human and there is a way through it. Let's let's do it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely. And that was huge because I honestly did think I was losing my mind, and um, so that was huge. And um I think I had quite a few meltdowns. I mean, I seem to remember like the very first sort of thing I'd said to you was, what's the best way of working through this? And how do I do this? And and you were like, Hmm, I see a part of you that you know wants to get things right, and then suddenly all these tears. I'm like, Well, did that what happened there? Like you saw me, you saw me and you saw the parts, and um I was like, Oh, somebody's seen me and someone cares, and somebody you know is like listening, and it just was like, Whoa. Um, and then I had a few really intense sessions, I think, in alchemy, where because I'd never heard of protector parts before. I I knew about my wounded inner child, and I'd done lots of work around that, but I think there was a key that was missing, and I remember like a really key um session that I had with you where I was like talking about my experience of like, why do people keep doing this to me? Why do you know why why are people treating me like this? It's not fair. I, you know, I was treated like this as a child, and now someone else is treating me like this, and it just feels really unfair. And you were like, hmm, what's that power? What's that protector part that's you know, sort of kind of shouting about trying to kind of go, what are you doing to this child, you know? And I think seeing it as a as from that perspective, and then we we turn things around and like, what if that that protector part is coming from love and from care and it wants you to be, what if we turned it around?
Protector Parts Change The Whole Story
SPEAKER_00I was like, Oh wow, that was something. So there was such a shift in. I so clearly remember that that session uh with you that just shifted everything. It it was like, oh so I I can I can go inside myself and I can find parts of myself and I can start to give myself all of the things that I was looking for outside. That was such a massive shift. Um yeah, that was that was I can't, it's hard to put into words. I don't have the words to describe how big that was for me.
SPEAKER_03No, but yeah, you're you're you're doing beautifully in describing it. And I think there's yeah, there's something in that where it feels like such a turmoil being in relationship, right? When it's our little child with unmet needs starts screaming. And for them, it's like this, I'm gonna die if I don't get this. And how can you treat me this way? And this hurts so much, even if it isn't like big abusive things that like that's not what we're talking about, right? It's like it's someone needing more space than us, it's someone like having a different way of showing love than we do, and we're like, I'm not getting what I need, which can be true, right? But it's coming now from this place of I'm gonna die if you don't give it to me. It's hurting so much, it's hurting so much. And then to discover that, oh, I can go in and I can meet with all these parts that are feeling that way, and there is a source that doesn't have to come from outside where I can yeah, bring all of that love. And maybe I'm the one who maybe I'm the only one who can do that in a sense. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't have good relationships where people are giving things to us, but they might not be able to heal our five-year-old.
SPEAKER_00They might not know how to do that. Yeah, they definitely didn't know how to do that. I don't think anybody knows really, do they? Yeah, no, they don't. So it was, but I didn't know that. I, you know, I didn't, I thought, and I think as well, I'd read so much stuff about relationships, so much stuff about what is a healthy relationship and what people should do, and you know, all the social media. Well, somebody should be able to do this, this, this, and this. And I'm like, well, he's not doing that. So maybe you know, he's doing it wrong, and you know, this isn't the right person because somebody should come and I should, you know, should give me everything I need, and yeah, um, no, I knew not everything, I knew that, but you know, it was like the the things I've read about relationships was kind of were at odds with what I was experiencing, yeah. Um and then so then there was part of me going, well, what what are you doing in this relationship? You know, this is no good for you, this is clearly wrong, but yet there was such a big part of me that wanted the relationship that loved so much, so it was like this complete um conflict inside me, yeah.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_03And I think two opposing forces, and that's I remember we were working with that a lot when you stepped in. You were like, Do I stay or do I leave? kind of thing. Like, how do I know if I'm making the right decision there? Because both forces are so strong.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely. It was like that was like this massive tug of war that was like going on, and I was in the middle of it, and it was equally strong. It was equally, this is a terrible relationship. You need to get out of here. I love this person, I absolutely want to stay with them. And it was like, what do I do?
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00You were like, Well, there's a third option, there's another way, yeah, and I think that was like, oh wow, you know, there's another way, and I think that was so revelatory, it's not the right word. To me, it was such a revelation, like, there's another way, and actually, the way is, and you you know, I have you in my head, you know, all the things you say are in my head, like the what's in the way is the way, and it's like, ah, so this is an opportunity for me to heal my wounds. This is an opportunity for me to love myself more, and actually, and it I mean, I'm not saying that all happened straight away, you know, it was up and down and up and down, and it clearly still, even though it's not as up and down anymore, as you said, there's still a way to go. But but it began to it for me, it began the veils were lifted, and there was understandings starting to happen, and then I'd forget again, and then I'd come, I'd have to go like, let's get on a call again, let's connect again, let's do the work again. Because I just knew there was something in me, just knew that this was the way forward, and it felt right, and it felt like shifts were happening. Um, so I think there were times where I just had to kind of trust sometimes. You forget, but I forgot, and I was back in the turmoil again. But a little bit of me remembered, oh, this work, this is what we're doing, and it was like, oh, keep coming back to that.
SPEAKER_03So it became an anchor and a compass in a sense of like this is the place now. I feel confused, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
SPEAKER_00Just tap back in to this work, yeah, like like a little beacon shining, and I'm like in this darkness, and I'm kind of you know, and oh yeah, there's that little light. Move towards the light, move towards that little light there. Yeah, and I think you know, just and it would took a it took a bit of bravery. Um I'm bragging here, I know you kind of like a bravery to come on call sometimes when I was feeling just so raw and vulnerable and so despairing, and to come on with you and be uh right.
SPEAKER_03Here's everything that I don't tell people that I'm feeling and going through, right? Yeah, and is it okay to say all of this? And then there's a part that says this and a part that feels this, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then I remember like you, you know, letting something out and screaming, and I'm like, You were like, if you want, you can scream. I'm like, no, because I'll deafen everyone. You're like, no, no, it's fine. Zoom, Zoom will put it off. I'm like, yeah, sure. And I was just like, it was yeah, so it was a process, and I think you know, I was so pleased that I put myself forward, and I there were times when I'd be on a call or something, and I'd want to, you know, speak up, and there was parts of me going, no, no, no, no, no, the protector parts, no, no, we don't want to go there, we don't want to go there. And then there was part of me that's like, we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it, and then just you know, and as soon as I stepped into that arena or whatever, you were there to catch me, and it was good, it was it was all fine, it was all because everything's welcome.
unknownYeah, everything is welcome.
SPEAKER_03Everything is welcome. We want to see what's in there, we're not trying to fix it or have it go away. We want to understand it, we want to meet with it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and you know, that really is quite uh there was a lot of parts of me that I've and met and started to understand. And it's like you say, uncovering layers, uncovering layers, jud the judgments, the you know, the not, you know, me thinking of doing the work and then realizing there's a part of me here that's not welcoming this. Well, I've got to welcome that as well. And it's like you you you uncovering layer on layer, and it's such a process, but it's I could feel myself shifting. I could I could feel myself shifting, and I could feel that also I think that just the whole framework of this was for me was actually you know, changing my perspective. This isn't awful and horrible, this is amazing, this is an amazing opportunity. So I think that shift in perspective as well, which happened at some point, was like, wow, I am so blessed, I am so loved, I am so lucky to be in this life and doing these things.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Going from, oh my God, what's wrong with me? I'm losing my mind, I need to fix this or else, like there's something terribly wrong here, to oh my God, everything that I get to experience inside of me, everything that I get to meet with is actually like growing my capacity to love more. Like everything that I've ever longed for, to have deeper connection, to have all that love, it's happening like through this process. Yes. Gives me goosebumps. No, it is cute. Okay, so you inside of Alchemy, like finding the skills and the tools and growing your capacity to meet with everything inside of you and to meet the needs and give that love that was needed, both to wounded parts and inner child parts, but also to protector parts who are also children, right? But but they have a different strategy. And and yeah, it we often miss them when we're working on ourselves and we don't see that we are identified with them and we're wondering why am I getting stuck and why am I not able to shift this. Yeah, it's often because we're in an in a protector part, right? And then you have that toolbox, right? To oh, I can take apart my old house. Like everything that's been turmoil inside, and everything that I'd believed or parts had believed about me. Now I can alchemize that. And then you joined ERA, the Embodied Relationship Academy. And and why
From Inner Work To Relationship Skills
SPEAKER_03and how was that for you?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's a good question. Why I I was a bit like, oh, it's a big step, I don't know. And I think part of it was, well, in my head, I was like, well, I'll do the because the retreat, I was paying for the Spain retreat and the course. I thought, well, for some reason that made it easier to get my head around I'm paying for something that was the retreat was practical. I I didn't know, but I think there was something in me that was like I could see that it was taking me somewhere on this journey, and I just wanted more, I wanted more of the journey. I wanted more of being able to connect with you and more of the community, and more um, I guess sort of growing beyond. I'm look, this is looking back. I'm not sure at the time where I'd fully realized this, but it's like, you know, okay, so I'm starting to heal things, but now what? Now what? And I could see this vision of more. I didn't know what it looked like. It's weird. I I not I could see the vision, but there was something in me that knew there was more. And uh it was a it was a more of a, it wasn't a such a rational choice, it was more of a an instinct that this is this is this is what. Need this is where I need to go, and I'd seen, you know, I'd experienced enough of the sessions with you to know to really just have that complete trust that this was the right thing and this was where I wanted to go. And to then be like, okay, how do I blossom even further? What do I do? How do I and you know at that time the relation my relationship was still tricky? It was right. So it still wasn't like, oh, I've got it. I'm like, okay, I'm I'm healing myself. But actually, the relationship skills, I'm still I'm still very newbie here.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03So you've learned to take, you know, kind of a responsibility and and take care of your half, like everything that came up screaming and felt like you were gonna die. Like, I know how to care for that. But how do I create the relationship that I actually want? And how can I be in full discernment if this is the partner to continue doing that with? And yeah, yeah, I remember that that point on your journey where you're like, okay, I'm good now, like I can take care of me. When sh shit shows up and when it feels really hard, I can care for me and I love me and I'm not abandoning myself. But relating here is still tricky, right? Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Really confusing. And because I think I'd like to say, you know, I'd been with my my ex-husband, so we, you know, I was with him from like my mid-20s, and it wasn't it was just one of those where we'd had children and we'd gone through the motions, and I'd kind of cut myself off emotionally, really. And then, you know, coming out of that in my 50s, I was like, actually, I'm really not that experienced at relationships.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00I've had one version of relationship that and yeah, and prior to that was also a fairly long relationship from being 17. Yeah, with a few likes.
SPEAKER_03That's very different from being 50.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. And I mean, you know, I had no idea at 17, but like I've got no idea. I'm in my mid-50s, I've still got no idea. Yeah, you know, I just really didn't, I didn't have the skill, I just didn't have the skills. And this person shows up who's like, if the universe was like, we're gonna really, you know, test you now and make you grow, and every little trigger that you have, we're gonna prod, but you're gonna it's gonna do it in a way that because you love someone so much that you want to stay. It's like the universe has sort of arranged it so that I'm in this dojo, yeah. Put myself in this dojo, and it's really hard. Um, so I needed help with that, yeah. Really, really needed help with that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like how what other dance moves are there in relationship than the ones that I've reverted to automatically?
SPEAKER_00Yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I'd try different things and I'd but still, yeah, it I don't know, it was it almost becomes sometimes it becomes a little bit worse because then you think, I know what I should be, I know what I should be doing, I should be reacting better than this. I should I know this stuff now. Why am I still and then use that judgment part that comes in, isn't there?
SPEAKER_03It's a wrigging painful point to be in. Like I'm aware, I know I should be, but my nervous system, my little animal body hasn't caught up with my beautiful vision and my values in relationship. Yeah, it's humbling.
SPEAKER_00It is very humbling. It is very humbling, and you've got to keep. I think you talk about these ego deaths, don't you? It's almost like you've got to keep going through them, like, oh, I thought I'd okay, so now I've got here, oh now this. Okay, but but I think I wanted, and I I feel like at the moment I am, but we'll see, you know. But I wanted to get to a place of just a bit of just a feeling that life wasn't just this roller coaster tumble dryer situation all the time, that I wasn't constantly um being triggered and uh thinking, what the heck am I doing? You know, I just wanted to get to a place on didn't think, oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna have it all sorted, but I wanted to get to a bit more place of peace and being able to just breathe and enjoy my life and be like, okay, yeah, there's still work to do, but actually I'm not being constantly triggered here.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So and and and is that where you are right now? I would say so. Yeah, I'd say so. And I'm saying it with confidence because I think I've been I've been there for a
Ending The Trigger Spiral With Self-Kindness
SPEAKER_00little while. Yeah. And I've you know, sort of navigated things. It's not like suddenly, I mean, it's not like suddenly the relationship's perfect and I and not, you know, he's still home, I'm still me, clearly. But when things have come up and like deal with it differently in terms of even in terms of just being good, being um kind to myself. Like, oh, I'm having this trigger and it's really kind of difficult and I'm really struggling here. But but then what I do is I don't make it mean anything. I don't go, all right, well, that means this, that, and the other. I don't make it mean anything. And I go inside and I'm like, okay, what do I need? What what do I need to do here? And I work myself through it without expecting anything from my partner in a way. And we so that's happened but that's happening less as well. I'm not having the major triggers as much. Like something little happen and it'll get sort of nipped in the bud, or it won't escalate, or it will be like, oh, okay. Yeah. I can see a little part of me, like for example, the other day, he's his mind sometimes gets very distracted as we've spoken, and he'll say, he'll ring me, and then I'll go, Oh, I'll ring you, I'll ring you later. I'll, you know, I'm driving, so I'll ring you. And then he forgets to ring because I know his brain. Now, in the past, I'd go, he doesn't care, he's forgotten about me, you know, and my little child would be, you know, crying, and then my protector parts would be kicking it, you know, it'd all be kicking off.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So I was a bit like, hmm, okay. Well, I can see that my child is a bit she's like, don't like this. But I was like, it's okay, it's fine. You know, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he's got distracted. And then when I spoke to him, he was like, Oh, I thought you were ringing me. So it was all and then it just blew over, it wasn't anything, yeah, you know, and that's happened two or three times. So now I'm like, and I think I said to you that he is also now be he is reacting differently because I think he it must have been a lot of pressure on him for me to go, please can you heal my inner five-year-old? And if you don't, if you don't behave this way, I will just combust with pain and hurt, you know, that's a lot, it was a lot.
SPEAKER_03Imagine that tightrope. Like, if I make one wrong move, I'm gonna cause her so much hurt. It's better to keep my distance here.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exactly, exactly. And so now, in his own way, he's understanding things, and I know he is, because he will say something. I think, oh yeah, he gets he gets that that was important to me, or he will make the effort, or he will, and and now it's at the point because I did say, look, I said to him, you know, I do need to be able to talk about my feelings or my emotions, and I need you to listen, and I need to be validated, them to be validated. And he was like, Yeah, I get that, I get that, and that was quite big, but now it's almost like I'm not feeling the need to do that as much. Like, do I need I don't know if I need that now? I'm like, actually, I don't need to keep talking about my feelings and my emotions because it's just get on with it, just enjoy the relationship.
SPEAKER_03Yes. So this is the beautiful piece that happens, right? Because I'm hearing like um I'm sure that some people that are listening to this will be like, but but shouldn't they love you or shouldn't they show this appreciation? But and of course they should, but they have different ways, we all have different ways of doing that. And what has shifted for you and for so many of us, right, is the underlying belief that was there all along. That's like, I'm not loved. And it didn't matter who we would meet or who we would be around, like we would still feel like I'm not loved. And we that little part of us would have found ways to reaffirm that belief because it it wants our attention. Like that wound is kind of screaming for us to come find it and be with it and and shift it, alchemize it, because ultimately it's a lie. Like it really is a lie. So if you inherently know that I am loved, oh my God, I'm loved because I'm treating myself that way, and I start to feel that inside. I'm so loved by life, by myself, by the world, like I'm so, so, so loved. Then whatever someone else's does isn't so much about us anymore, right? It doesn't reflect back to, see, see, that's evidence that I'm not loved. Like, no, I am loved, and whatever they're doing, it's about them. Okay, they're distracted, they might not have the skills, they have their wounds, they have their stuff, and now I can have a better discernment. So, do I want to be in relationship with them, with their parts, with everything that they're bringing? But now I'm not making it about, see, I'm not loved.
SPEAKER_00Yes, huge difference. Oh, so different. I was always, there was always a protector part going, see, you're not loved, you know. See, look, they're doing that. That means you're not loved. You've got to get away from this. This isn't this and it was like everything was was always looking for evidence that I'm not loved. And I was like, and and I think that's you know, and I'm not saying that's not there, it's not completely gone, but I can catch it when it comes. And I I just coming from a different dream of I am loved, well, everything changes, and then I can make, like you say, you know, you're in a position though, where I seem to remember you saying something a while ago about um, and I'd chosen my partner from my five-year-old, and I was like, that doesn't sound like a very good idea. And it's like, um, and also the decision, should I stay or go, and all that. That was all my inner two-year-old, five-year-old kind of making uh sort of running the show and kind of you know, the protector parts that were also children going, and I'm like, no, I actually I don't want to give that responsibility to you. I, you know, I I acknowledge all my parts, I love them, but I also you're not, it's not your role to make those decisions. So making that decision about the relationship from this more adult part where it's not about if you don't give me this, I'll die. It's more like, hmm, is this something I want? And is you know what, and and it's almost it's a difference between what do I want and what do I need? Like it was always coming from I need, I need, I need. And then when I'm give when I'm attending to my needs, it's like, hmm, what do I want? What would be what would be what would be desirable? What would be fun? What would what would be life, you know, what would be life affirming?
SPEAKER_03And that's what would make me blossom even more and feel more creative or safe or whatever it is that I want to feel. I already have a beautiful, loving relationship with myself. How can someone else add to that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And so I think that is finally, and there's probably, I think, you know, we had the retreat in Spain, and I think a lot of things fell into place. I think all of the stuff we've been doing, a lot of things fell into place, and I think since then I think things have shifted massively, and I I definitely feel in that space. Because I think before I'd be saying to you, Oh, yeah, everything's fine, but a bit of maybe worrying, yes, but next week you're gonna have a meltdown, and maybe you will have a meltdown next week, but it doesn't mean anything, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, something is more stable, right? It's like so let's talk about that moment for a little bit because you did something huge,
Asking For What You Want
SPEAKER_03okay, after after Spain and everything that we practiced there, which was some of it highly uncomfortable, right? To to intuit. But you opened a door inside of you that had kind of been exiled, that hasn't that you hadn't accessed in a while, of like, hey, I'm standing in my truth, and I'm just standing for what I want. I'm gonna hold my ground. It doesn't matter if this person walks away, if I lose them, because this is more important. So, you know, that thing that you're both your protector parts and your inner child had been like, we don't know how to get here, kind of thing. And you took that stance and something huge happened with that. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, um it's strange thinking about that. I think it was it was a few things. It was being really knowing in my in my truth that I could hold my own emotions. Whatever whatever I was gonna go through, I could hold it, I could deal with it, it was all fine. So I wasn't scared of what might happen. And then it was like it's it's okay to ask for what I want. Like it not just that more than okay. I it's like this is this is the way to be forward, this is for me, like, because I've always been a bit of oh, this is what I want, but I'm not sure if that's is it okay to ask for that? You know, and that's like uh this is what I want. I am standing up and saying, This is what I want, and without the energy of if you don't give it to me, oh my god, it was more like and I remember having conversations with my partner and like thinking like this is the kind of relationship I want. And if you can't give me that, that's fine. We will, you know, go our separate ways and being okay with that, knowing that I would be okay with that. Yeah. So the energy that it came with was completely was different. It was like either we do this um this way because this is what I this is what works for me, this is what I love, this is how I want to be in relationship. And if not, that's fine too, because it's not fair on like it's not fair on him to be saying, you need to do this, you need to do this, if it's not what he wants to do.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So it was a it was for both of us, like, is this gonna work for both of us here in the way? And if not, then for both our sakes, we kind of need to, you know, step away from this because it's never gonna work for both of us.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03And you had a moment like that, right? Where you kind of went separate ways for a while, and and I I, you know, and you got to experience that, hey, okay, that happened, and I'm fine in that. Like it's like kind of growing your self-esteem from that happening too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think we we I can't remember the exact timeline, but we we kind of split up for probably about two months. Yeah. Um, and I went through a lot of crying, a lot
The Two Month Break And Grief
SPEAKER_00of grief, a lot of fear on, you know, like I'm this age now, am I ever gonna find anyone? Am I gonna make my own forever? Um, you know, grieving the the kind of idea of the relationship I wanted, losing that love, being scared of being on my own. And and I I went through all of that and I was okay, I didn't die, and I knew that I could I I knew I could hold myself through that. And so it's like, okay, I can do that. I can be on my own because I can I can love myself through the process. I don't have to be scared of being on my own, and that puts such a it's so empowering. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and there's something with you know, we we do that thing in inside of era, and I'm thinking specifically about the field-to-heal process of like, can I meet with the thing I'm the most afraid of? It's that hero's heroine's journey of like, yeah, we need to go into that cave and face that dragon. And that's what you did. I think there are multiple layers in that um situation and what you move through, but just like, hey, that thing that I've been so afraid of would happen. I'm facing that. And I'm facing those emotions and I'm processing them, and now I'm not so scared of them anymore, which gives me freedom in relationship, right? I don't have to cling to something just to not lose it. I get to choose, I get to be here with my agency, I get to be a co-creator of the relationship that I want. But I think there was also something very important, almost of like grieving and putting an end to that chapter of the relationship that you've been. You almost like closed that version of the relationship so that something else could happen. And when we're so afraid of friction, when we're so afraid of like intense emotions, we don't get in the face of things, right? We like try to keep the peace or we try to um nag them about being different, or we try, you know, whatever it is, instead of just like facing the storm. And like, no, like this is this is me standing up for what I want and let everything like fall apart from it so that something beautiful can come out of it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, absolutely. And I because I remember doing an exercise when we were in Spain about asking for what we want, and I just yeah, I you you demonstrated it as well, and I saw you standing there, like, no, I don't know. You know, there was the your energy was like, it's not even gonna come to me because I'm not even entertaining that. And I kind of felt I'd embodied some of that, and because he kept saying, Oh, I'll come and do this and we'll do that. And he kept sort of trying to push and say, Well, you know, and I was like, No, no. And he's like, uh why can I come and see you? No, we're it's over, you know, we're not we're not doing this, and you know, or I need I need space, I need to, I need, I need this space. And it was part of me was so wanted to see him, but there was because there was a stronger part that knew I had to stand up for that. And actually, you saying it that way, I hadn't quite thought of it. It was like was like it was putting a line under that. No, we're not, I'm not doing that, telling him that, but more importantly, telling myself that I'm not doing that anymore. This is not where I want to be. This is not what I want, and it's kind of like just being strong and standing up there, and not in an aggressive way, not in an just a like uh standing in your truth, standing in your power, and and coming there. And yeah, I did that. You did that, I did that, I did, and it was all of the words.
SPEAKER_03And it builds a lot of trust too, right? With the protector part and with the wounded part, just like here it is, someone standing up for what we want, and she can take care of us, and she won't like bargain with the kind of love that we want and need.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And I think it's like that loving leader that's there, so the protector parts can kind of go, Well, actually, maybe I don't need to stand guard so fiercely now, and and you know, because there was always and I had the vision of there was one particular protector part that was like this, I don't know who it was, this female, but she had a clipboard and she was taking stock, and she was like, no, nope, no. And she was very like, and then there was the other part, but but what about this? And they were like loggerheads and all of that. And I was sort of going in, going, no, it's good, it's all good. You know, this is this is what we're doing. This is what we're doing.
SPEAKER_03And it's coming from love, you know? It's it's not coming from some Instagram relationship advice on conscious relating and red flags and what you should be stepping away from, and because then we're coming from fear, right? Like I have to step away, or otherwise it means I'm not respected. I'm not showing up for myself. Like, no, this is a very different stance, right? It's coming from knowing, like, I am so loved. And of course, I want to cultivate my inner garden. I have so much to give to someone else, and I want to be met this way, or else I'll be drained, or else I won't feel good being in this relationship, and ultimately I won't have anything to give. Like it's not a good deal to not stand up for this. So we're not just doing it for ourselves, right? It's a win-win-win. We're doing it for the whole relationship. And sometimes we're even doing it for them in a sense, because we know they have more to give too. And we're like, no, we're not going to do this half-ass thing. We're doing the full thing, we're doing the loving thing here.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It's yeah, all that, all that. And I think what you said about coming from fear and the red flags and that was the clipboard, you know, that yeah, well, this is a red flag, and this and um it didn't work because then the other part was like, yes, but we love him, and and they were like, Oh, and um coming from love from such a I don't know, it's just such a more expanded perspective, it's such a more um yeah, it takes in the whole. It is, it's like it's for me, it's for him, it's for the relationship, it's for the universe. It it's just part of so much more. It just comes from such a more loving, expanded perspective. Um, it's like you have to get through all these obstacles and do all these Herculean tasks to get there.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, there's that. No, it feels Herculean, but it's you know, but but but it is it is, it is, and I think for me, that's what all the like myths were written about. It's pointing into an inner journey, right? It's pointing to, it's it's described as Herculean tasks and like slaying dragons and hijras and like all of that, but it's actually about meeting with that fear inside of us and like be courageous coming from our heart, from our cur. Like that's yeah, that's what they're all talking about. They're taking place in the outer world, but it really is like an alchemical inner, um, you know, psycho-spiritual process more than anything else.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's it's quite amazing, and um even hearing myself say these things is a bit like, oh, really?
SPEAKER_03Wow, okay, you know, it's still it's like but it but I knew I've taken that journey, I'm on that journey, and now I'm here, and what's next?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, did I really do that? Really? Yeah, actually, yeah, you did.
SPEAKER_03Um so just kind of wrap like wrapping that little piece of the story up, too, because something
Rebuilding A New Relationship Dance
SPEAKER_03then happened, because you are together with this man. Okay, so what what what then happened?
SPEAKER_00No, no, I think he he just started showing up in different ways. Um, and it was yeah, I mean, I because he's got young children, and I've got a relationship also with the children, and because he I'm best friends with his sister, and so it wasn't like we completely, it was like there was bits of us coming together, or communication, or how about the children, and what you know, and then he started just showing up, showing up differently, and and uh and saying the things that I'd been wanting him to say, or you know, just showing that he really, really fought for me. He really fought for me, and I think that was a big thing for me. Like, oh, because I'd always thought, actually, I'm not that important to him because he's got his young children, and because you know, one thing and another in his life, and the way he relates, my sort of wounded parts were like, or my protector parts, like, no, you're not, he's not making you really that important, and so he fought, he fought for me so hard, and I was like, hmm, maybe I am actually important to him, and he started showing up that way, and I was like, Okay, well, I don't know about this, but maybe we can give it a chance. It wasn't like, yeah, we're all back together, and it's I was like, let's see, let's take it steady and see. So we've been like taking steps, yeah. And it I'm at that point now where I'm like, okay, well, it feels good right now, so let's just follow this thread and see where it leads.
SPEAKER_03No, but you saw him doing something that is extremely important in relationship, and you saw him attuning to you, yeah. You you you saw him picking up what you've been saying, and it doesn't even have to happen through a through a conversation, right? But you see him responding to that, and he probably needed his time to grieve or be angry or frustrated and like move through all the layers of that. But then he's like, once he's landing, he's like, hmm, what is really important and what was she actually saying? So he shifted his dance moves, right? You shifted the dance, and we never know if someone's gonna dance with us in this new dance, and then he like stepped in and he's like, Yeah, see, look at me, I'm willing to dance with you differently.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He did, and I think that gave that was enough for me to go, okay, well, let yeah, let's give this a give this another chance. And then it was like, Oh my god, what are my family gonna say? What are my kids gonna say? So, but oh no, it's fine. I'm not gonna that like I'm doing this and I'm not talking to them about it. I don't need to, I'm giving this a chance, and I know that I want to give this a chance, yeah, and I know that there's potential, and I know that there's a lot of love, and I know that a lot of the the problems in our relationship, it was it was 50-50. It wasn't just him, it was me too. And I yeah, so I'm healing my half, he's shifting, so now we're like dancing much better, we're not stepping on each other's toes or tripping over, we're dancing better, and we're like working it out, and we're you know, it feels it feels like it's starting to gel a little bit more. Um so that's where I am right now, really. That's uh yeah, and I just feel much more peaceful, more happy in my life, more settled, more and also it's fine if I have a trigger or if I get upset or the part happen because that's there's still healing to do, there's still opportunities to love myself more.
SPEAKER_03Yes, so that's not a problem. It's like you're you have that capacity to live, to live and relate. You're like, yeah, and and relating will get messy, and we things will come up, like that's life, just like life gets messy. And it's like, but but do I want to be here for it? And do I have the capacity? And how do I want to move through it? Like when we have built our self-esteem around that, our confidence, our capacity, then yeah, we don't feel beaten down, we don't feel anymore like it's happening to me and that it's evidence that something is wrong with me. Like, no, this is life, and I get to be in that dance, and I get to show up in a way that makes me more and more proud of myself and how I'm showing up.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a completely different dream. And that but that that really does build your self-esteem when you know that you can show up for yourself like that, and it's beautiful, it's really beautiful to be to be part of that. And yeah, it's it's just and and I remember you saying there's a balance, isn't there? Because it's like, well, these situations, these dojos can be amazing because obviously it's giving me all this opportunity, and I don't want to be at a nervous system activation of nine and ten, you know, regularly, because then I can't do any, I can't do the work because I'm too busy, you know, in this high state of activation.
SPEAKER_03So I needed to kind of bring that down, which was I guess more the alchemy work, but then now it's like, okay, now I can I can yeah, and we bring it, and and I would say we bring it down by learning the new dance moves, like we practice inside of era and like we did in the Spain retreats. When you learn other ways of doing the relational dance, and when you unlock these doors that's been closed inside of you because no one ever modeled it to you, or you never saw your nervous system hasn't practiced, like taking a step back or standing up for yourself or asking from love, you know, all these things. So when you learn them, your nervous system activation goes down because all of a sudden all those situations feel safe. They're like, I can do them. And before we were afraid of how we were gonna react and respond to them. Like, oh my God, I'm gonna shut down, I'm gonna get jealous, I'm gonna make a mess. But now we're like, I'm growing my skill to do it. And therefore, nervous system activation, whoo, much more relaxed. Yeah, yeah. And now we're inspired. And exactly what you're talking about, like I talked to so many clients that have that same experience. Those things that I thought was so important in relationship before, and I needed to have all these conversations about how I was feeling, and I needed to be met, and I needed to be, and now it's like, oh, you know, actually, now I'm fine. Like I get to play and I get to enjoy the relationship. We don't always have to talk about everything that I'm feeling and like sort through things because I've shifted my stance, like I've shifted where I'm coming from. My dream is completely different.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. But and and had to go through the process to to get to that and still it's still moving around, but because because my partner had always said that from the beginning, let's just enjoy, let's just enjoy ourselves. Why do we have to talk about stuff? But then that didn't work because at that point I hadn't done all the inner work. So I was like, no, that's there are stuff here and they need to be talked about. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know, so so now I've kind of come full circle and met him. He's kind of come to me to meet me, but I've come to him to meet him too. Like, yeah, let's just play, let's just have a nice time. Not that that's ignoring anything, not that that's invalidating anything. Because I know I um I had to I'll just share quickly, but I I was having a conversation with my inner child a
The Inner Child And The Star Cloak
SPEAKER_00little while ago, and I she was because I do now have these conversations with her, and we we have this relationship, and she was sat on a step outside my house that I used to live when I was a kid, and she was feeling a bit, you know, a bit kind of left out and a bit whatever. And I was sat with her and I was like, What do you want? And she wasn't talking to me. And then I don't know where this came from, but she'd she'd said, I want a cloak made of stars, and so and and I want flowers in my hair. That was what she wanted. So in my in my imagination, I was like, Yeah, great. So I got this cloak of stars, and I got the flowers for her hair, and you know, she's just a different child now. She's so happy, and she cuddles up with me, and we we're like, and I have like allies who um who help look after her as well. But when we're together, me and her, when we have that time, and she's got her little cloak and her flowers, and it's it's it's amazing. It is amazing.
SPEAKER_03She's so much hearing love, yeah. And just hearing her asking for what she wants, because you need to have shifted that belief that I'm worthy of love first, right? And that's the the evidence of that. Like, of course, I'm so loved, and of course, I want the cloak of stars and flowers in my hair hair, and of course I deserve that, right? So that's such a huge shift. Yeah, and it's such a beautiful thing. I want this, I want this, I want to have this experience, and I want this, and I'm worthy of it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because she's like this little fairy princess, kind of, and you know, this is from when I always saw her prior as this wounded child sat on the bed being left out, feeling unloved, feeling uncared for, unheard. And when I thought of my inner child, I always saw her in that role, and now she's running around, she's got this cloak, she's and I feel a bit emotional actually, even because it's just it's such a shift, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and you can't think your way there, right? You can't pretend that you're there and like, oh, my inner child is super happy. Like, no, it's a process, like you've been saying, that you move through and then to have that undeniable shift to that inner child, and now when you connect to her, it's like, no, that's that's nothing you can think your way to. Yeah, you just feel it, and it's completely different in your inner world, and that wound is like it's so different.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's been like, I don't know, over a year, hasn't it? It's been like well over a year, don't know how long I've been, you know, and been through all of these, like, you know, slaying these dragons and doing all this work. So, you know, you I feel it hasn't just deride, it hasn't just happened, but but doing, you know, being guided by you through that and showing, you know, me showing up for it and you guiding it's just magical. It's just magical.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, it is some hard work, right? Not hard in the sense that we think it is, but like going in and meeting this and allowing our hearts to open up for everything that we've been feeling. But so so in that sense, yeah, hard work. So now, a little over a year later, was it worth it?
SPEAKER_00Oh my god, oh my god, so much. I mean, it's just like why even ask the question? It's kind of like, you know. Yeah, just uh, I don't know. I remember you saying about the very beginning, because I was saying about my partner, oh, he's done this and he's done that, and you were like, How wise of you to pick someone who and I was thinking, this is rubbish, this is all cute, yeah. Like, you know, I know people have said that, I didn't say that. It was like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, actually, he pushed me to the edge where I was like, I've got no choice, but I have to do something. And um, I'm a different person, and well, I'm me. I'm probably more me, not a different person, but I'm more me, and loving that inner child, and that that that is the relationship really that is the biggest, biggest, biggest shift. And so, and and if me and my partner we continue as we are, and that works, then uh, you know, that's a that's a bonus.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, I'm in a different place. Honestly, you know, I thought I was losing my mind, I was just stuck. I was like, what have I I've done all this work on myself, why am I in this place? Like, you know, I was just feeling just yeah, like like I was going crazy. It was horrible, like this inner conflict, and now it's like so so different. So the work at times was was quite uh, you know, intense and going in and was like, oh, I don't I don't know if I want to do this, and then you do it, and then you're a bit exhausted and I even just you know, straight after doing something like that, I could feel those shifts. I could feel those smaller or big shifts some of them. But it's all somehow woven together in a tapestry to be now where I'm feeling just yeah, completely different. And um I very much got you to thank for that and myself. Yes, thanking myself, but also thanking you for that. Very, very, very grateful, very yeah, just very blessed to have been able to be on this journey, really.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and and to kind of wrap this conversation up, how would you describe
What Made The Shift Possible
SPEAKER_03the two or three most important things? Like, in your words, what would you say like made it possible for you? The way that you look at it now, the way that you understand it, like what was it that has made this shift possible that you now feel loving and worthy yeah, esteemed in your inner world?
SPEAKER_00It's hard to put into words, isn't it? Um I think let me tune into this. I want to say it right, but I think initially it was just that I'm in the right place here. Something was like, I'm understood, I'm not crazy, there's nothing wrong with me. That was huge. Then I think everything you say about well, I don't know, I think there's some there's obviously an energy behind what you do, and I think that's a huge part of those energetic shifts, huge part of of that. And you allow, you facilitate us to have these massive shifts. Um, but at the time it was very much like, well, I didn't know about protector parts, and actually, you know, at the whole the whole thing of being able to go in and um talk to these parts or or listen to them more to the point and ask them what's going on and being able to see things differently. It was like a whole different way of exploring my inner world. So I think that was huge. Um just all the work, you know, the the dominant attention, learning about dominant and submissive attention and being able to give my parts that attention. Um loving loving dominant attention just to focus on them and to know that I can I can hold them. We did it we did a very powerful exercise in Spain and it we did it with a partner, but it was like holding those when stuff comes up, the pain and the ugh and the and the stories and the and it feels awful. It's like it hurts. It it really hurts when that stuff comes up, which is why we've tried to push it down. We don't want and it's like having the tools and the encouragement and and the you know the the container to do that, to let that stuff come up, and then being able to being given the tools and the container and the energetic shifts to be able to hold that with love and go just let it process through.
SPEAKER_03I think that's that's massive, really massive, because then you're like, oh well, I'm not scared anymore of going there, of doing I'm not scared of anything in a way, like be scared of because I can be fearless, yes, yes, and now you're okay with being in the world or messing it up in a relationship because you know how to repair or say sorry, or you know if someone is upset with you, you're like you're not afraid of that anymore because you can meet with the emotion inside of you. Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, so having that like how to actually move through all these emotions that we've been avoiding, right? Like how, how do we do that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and also think something about the welcoming the whole process, which is so initially so like, why would I welcome that? Like, you know, like why.
SPEAKER_03I want it to go away. I hate this.
SPEAKER_00I want to fix it so that it doesn't happen, so that I don't have to feel it. So why would I welcome it? But actually, that's just a complete shift, isn't it? It's just a complete shift. One, first of all, it's a relief. Oh, yeah, this is welcome. Like it just, and then the parts will go, oh, we're welcome here. There's nothing wrong. And then it's like a realization that actually, because all of this is about loving myself more and loving other people more and loving the world more and loving everything more, but it starts with loving myself more. So it's all welcome. So it's like a whole different, it's like a different, it's like a paradigm shift. It's like a different world where it it's so different to everything was seemed to be socialized, to you know, how we're socialized to deal with our stuff. It feels like there's a big part, a big part of how we're socialized is to to put push it down and to or to try and fix it, but not to just welcome it all. So that was a huge shift too. So I'm trying to summarize the shift, the things it's hard because there's so many.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's the whole like tapestry, and and every little thread like weaves together something that makes it possible.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03And that's been very important for me because I see so many work out there also being fragmented, which is fine. You know, it's
Becoming A Whole Human Again
SPEAKER_03like it's breath work over here, it's a somatic practice here, and then it's the mindset over here. But we're whole beings, right? And and you can't really walk into one room and say, I'm gonna work with my mindset only because it has an impact on your nervous system, on your emotional state. Like it's it's all of it. So we need to start relating to ourselves as whole beings, right? So that's been a very important piece for me to like stand on the barricades for and like no, we're we're addressing our wholeness.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, and that message comes across clearly. And I've done all that stuff, yeah. And I'm not saying it hasn't all had a lot of benefit, but actually what you've done is draw them all together as well. So I that that that stuff that I have done, I can use. And I, you know, I just love the whole joy of it, the fun, the playfulness, that let's just enjoy and embrace life, you know. I don't want to sit in a cave and meditate. Yeah, I mean, I do want to do that too. Yeah, but me too. I don't want to do and then I want to go out in the world, yeah. And I want to sing and I want to enjoy what life has to do too. I want to be a whole being. And I think that's what's for me. It's like because I've done a you know, a lot of spiritual things and a lot of and I I don't want to be in that box. I feel sometimes as you get put in a box of this is this is how we are, this is what we do, and this is over there, but we don't engage with that, and I don't want to do that, I want to do all of it, right?
SPEAKER_03I want to be a rebel, yes, and I want to let life move me into what's next, and I don't want to shut myself off from that then by saying, but these are my values, and we don't do these things because we believe in this. Like, no, I want to be the artist and and let yeah, let that brush of life itself kind of like move me into the next thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Uh and I know something that's next for you. I mean, you you have jumped into the nagual, the three-year coaching training. So you from starting uh in like despair and what's wrong with me, and I'm losing my mind, and now you're like, yeah, I want the full, I want the full journey. I want the full thing. You're a teacher, you're you're a teacher and practitioner yourself, right? You're a yoga teacher.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've been teaching yoga for like 20 years or yeah, meditation.
SPEAKER_03Was it about the coaching training that like spoke to you? Because it's both like a personal journey, right? And the coaching certification. So which one of the parts, or was it like the both of it that spoke to you or something?
SPEAKER_00It was the it was the personal journey, really. And well, I think the coaching certification will be good because I'm sure that you know, once I've kind of gone through that, I'll be able to share that because I love sharing, you know, with my student, my yoga students, and you know, we have such an amazing relationship. I mean, I've had people with me for probably some people have been with me for nearly 20 years.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And um so I know that I can help and and you know, guide and take people on a journey if they want to be. But I think initially there was a like, oh, this is this is yeah, I want this. I don't know. It was just like the way you described it. I was like, I want to be a shaman, I want to be a witch, I want to, I want all of it. I want to um I want to dive more into it because I think, you know, I've been through this process with you, and I'm still fairly new at this, and I've come to a point, and I know that in my own journey there's more. But actually, what I want to do now is understand more of well, what was behind all of that? You know, look at it, I'm looking at it from a different perspective. I'm not looking at it from a perspective of um the client, I'm looking at a perspective of, well, what's on the other side and how did that all work? And what was the magic behind all that? Because I know there was some magic there.
SPEAKER_03Um the energetics, the magic spell, and the yeah, the sorcery kind of behind it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it just was like I it was almost like I couldn't not do it, like it was a big step, but it was almost like you like you have to do this, you can't not do this because you you know it's this is this is this is for me. This is for me. I want this.
SPEAKER_03Heart and soul is like, yeah, this is what we're here to do in this lifetime.
SPEAKER_00This is my yeah, this is what I'm here to do in this lifetime. I I firmly believe that my whole journey that I've been through is part of that tapestry of what I'm here to do in the world, yeah. And it's exciting, and it because you know, like I've turned 60 and it's like, oh okay, what am I doing in my life? And you know, what's going on? What's my purpose? And you know, I've done loads of things, and it's like this just felt like such a big piece of that. It's like you know, like a calling, a calling that you can't ignore. Well, you can ignore it, but if you ignore it, you know, like it's gonna hurt kind of thing. I'm yeah, hyping out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm doing kind of violence on to myself here by not following this.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was almost that it was that powerful, and of course, then there's gonna be you know parts that kick in, like, whoa, what have you done? And and we haven't started yet, so I'm sure there'll be you know, it'll be another hero's journey and heroine's journey, and I know that too, but I'm up for it. I'm like, Yeah, bring it on.
SPEAKER_03Oh so you're coming to you're coming to Mexico in February and going to Teo Teoacán.
SPEAKER_00Yes,
Coaching Training And The Mexico Journey
SPEAKER_00and absolutely, yeah. That that's kind of that's the energetic heart of it, isn't it? And uh it is. Could it not be there?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, where my spiritual earthquakes started, and it's such a powerful place um to go visit, and it it's a spell in itself, like there's so much energy there and transmission there that is uh encoded, built into the pyramids, the rocks, the stones, like the places, the temples, and you going there and playing with that energy. It's um it moves you, it brings you to places where that is not really accessible to you when you're out there in the fear-based collective dream of day-to-day life and how society is built. So just like coming there and accessing something so ancient that was built like 2,500 years ago and it's still alive and you can still feel it. It's yeah, it's it's the best office in the world for me when I go there and get to guide people. And yeah, I'm I'm so glad that we've been able to include that in the coaching training. Amazing, amazing, and of course, other people are welcome too to come to the February um power journey. So come play. Jane, anything else before we go? Anything that feels important for you to mention or yeah, ask or anything else?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. Yeah, I was gonna ask about a part of me that that I don't feel like I need to now somehow. I don't
Possessiveness The In-Breath Out-Breath Lesson
SPEAKER_00know. Yeah, I feel like actually having this because there's a part of me, my little girl, who she doesn't want, she's very possessive over anybody who she loves, and she doesn't want them to have to spend any time with anyone else. Okay, and that's her, and she's uh you know, and I but sometimes she she steps into the driving seat occasionally, and not that I act on it, but I know it, I know she's there, like, why are you spending time with your, you know, like my like with my partner, like, well, why are you spending time with your sister and your mother? Like, well, you know, of course he wants to spend time and he's drawing, you know, but she's like, I want you all to myself, and yeah, and she sometimes gets a bit in the driving seat, and but you know, I don't know, I don't I don't feel like I need to ask about her really right now because I feel like she's like she's okay, she's like, I know she's there, and she's really neat and she's cute, you know. She's like, Oh, is she so cute? Like you said, you know, in our last, oh, how cute that she just wants people all to herself because she's always she's never felt she's had that love, and it's like it's it's fine, you've got you know, I'm here completely.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I think you know, at this point in the journey, right? It's it's so much less about making it a problem, right? I mean, it was never a problem, but when they're screaming so loud and we're so identified with them, it becomes a problem, right? Because it sabotages our our connection and our relationship with others. So then we need to address that like wound more. But I think at a certain point on the journey, and you're definitely there, is anytime there's like a little friction inside of us, it's less about okay, this needs healing or fixing. It's more often like a part of us that is asking to grow up or mature. Just look at any psychological development process in a child. There's friction, there's frustration and therefore there's frustration about crawling and therefore they stand up and learn a new skill. There's frustration about not having any place friends to play with. So we overcome the courage to go ask someone on the swings to like play with us. Do you want to be my friend? Like it, like the frustration and the little friction, it's there because someone is ready for a new skill. And maybe, maybe your girl, and you you'll check in with her, that she hasn't learned or experienced that the magic is in the full breath of the relationship, right? Yeah, it's both the in-breath and the out-breath. So she knows so much the magic of the in-breath and being closed and like every all the magic that happens there. Oh my God, in connection, and we're co-creating and something is cooking in there, and like, oh, the intimacy, and like, mmm, beautiful when something merges like that. But for that to happen, she needs to know that not just, of course, she he should be with his you know, sister and family and friends, but like that, allowing that space and that outbreath is what makes him being able to bring that magic into the connection. If we're just squeezing that little bird too hard in our hand, right? It's like, ah, I want to try more, more, more, more, more, more, more. There's nothing left, there's no juice left, right? So just for her to know that, like, oh, it's like going on the swing, it needs to go back and forth. And that is the magic of the whole swing movement. If it was just forward, no fun, right? Just backward, no fun. It's like the whole thing that makes it thrilling. And even like embracing that sense of maybe she's afraid of the longing, right? Maybe that's uh that's an emotion that hasn't been put in a positive, uh, beautiful, loving light. It's also just like, oh my god, I get too long and I get to be in the distance of things. So that's what's coming up as you mentioned it.
SPEAKER_00I think that's that's it. And it's kind of like going in and and like just having those conversations with her and listening to her and helping her to learn that. But it's the playfulness because like if you've got a swing, it is like it's no fun if it's static, it's gotta move, and and that's the joy of it, and that's the joy of being a part and then coming together is amazing, and that it's that that it's reframing it rather than well, he's doing this, and that means he doesn't not giving me any attention, and he's not loving me, and you know, he's forgetting about me completely. And it's maybe it's the complete opposite, you know.
SPEAKER_03Maybe it's like, oh, please go see your your family and your friends because I know how much goodness you will bring back to our connection when you do. You get a lot better at connecting with me once you've had that time or your alone time, like, yeah, please, please go on your journey, please go on your adventure, please go travel, please be with your friends because oh, I know you're doing it out of love for us, for our connection.
SPEAKER_00That's so amazing. That's so different. I can I can I think she can feel that.
SPEAKER_03It's not an opposition to what she wants, it's actually the way to getting what she wants.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's just such a beautiful shift of seeing that, isn't it? It's just it just puts it in a different light, completely different light, and and it's joyful, and it's it's kind of like a yeah, that feels joyful and light and easy and and um just what yeah, just what she needs.
SPEAKER_03Beautiful. I love that. And you know, someone who's better, because you know, some of us are better at the in-breath and some of us are better at the out-breath in relating, right? So some really value the time together, and some really value, like, hey, we need to be have our own agency and be our own individuals and have the time part and do our own things. So when we start looking at that as not in opposition, but actually part as a whole, we can actually start learning from the other, uh, what we're not so good at, and we can start seeing it as, oh my God, sometimes when they're not texting me back or where they're not like proposing for us to meet, it's usually out of love because that's how they've learned that's respect for them. That's like, let's give them some space, let's give them space to process things or be with themselves, like it's all good, or they've got a lot to do right now. So looking at it as a whole instead of an opposition, now it makes so much more sense, right? We're all trying to love and respect each other. We just have different ways of doing it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And you know, it's like, oh I it's just so much easier. So much it's kind of like I feel like I've had this conflict and this giving myself a hard time, and this, and now it's like it's just yeah, it's just not there. The conflict is it's kind of a little bit there, and obviously we do need that, and not say, but it just so much I just keep saying the same thing, it's so much easier, right? So much lighter, more joyful, more easy. It's like I can enjoy my life and not be living having these beating myself up inside my own head kind of situation.
SPEAKER_03It's like this sense that it's it's all okay, like what's happening isn't wrong, it's all okay, it's all gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's um like someone's come along with little magical wand.
SPEAKER_03Fairy godmother, yeah, and just wave the wand, and now like what life looks completely different. It does, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And also slain, it's a whole it's a whole like um what's the word, you know, like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones thing. There's there's magical beings, but there's also dragons, and there's it's all part of it.
SPEAKER_03Yes, which is part of the deal, right? We like we didn't get born into the Garden of Eden, you know, whatever that was, or or a rose garden. It is part of the deal. This is life, but that also doesn't mean that there's something wrong or that you're failing if you're having a hard time now, or if you're losing someone, or someone in your life is sick, or you're sick. It's like that is part of the deal, and you get to feel all of it. You get to feel the grief and the sadness and the loss and the heartbreak, and it actually opens you up to just more and more love when you dare to feel it. Yes, but yes to that. Yes and more, please. Oh no, bring it on. Well, this has been lovely, Jane. I've really enjoyed connecting with you and hearing, yeah,
Integration Gratitude And Closing
SPEAKER_03it was so beautiful to hear you put into words this full journey that you've been on for more than a year now. And I can see it's kind of uh rearranging your own, like how you look at yourself, how you see yourself to just put it into words. So I that was just amazing. So thank you for opening up around your journey. I know it's super helpful for others to hear what's possible. And yeah, I can't wait to see what's you know what's next, next chapter.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely, and uh I hope it inspires someone, uh lots of people, as as I was inspired um through listening to to people that have been on this journey with you. And it's actually been interesting listening to myself talking through this.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00Because I didn't know quite how what I was gonna say, but it came out, and it's just like for me, this has been really helpful too, because it's helped crystallize a lot of things. So thank you.
SPEAKER_03Beautiful. Well, I'll I'll see you soon in the coaching training and everywhere else. And I know you're coming to Stockholm to the in-person event, so anyone you know listening to this and joining into Aero or the coaching training and coming to Stockholm, you get to meet Jane there and see her in person. Yeah, so cheers to all to a wonderful, beautiful journey and everything that's that's ahead.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much, Ada. Thank you.
SPEAKER_03Thank you.